Archive for October, 2009

This month in the mad dash around the world for the face of God, we find ourselves in Scotland (Shout out to Bene D).

Glascow, to be exact, where God was not only seen… but looking back at his creation in the most vile of acts. Now I realize God is omnipotent and omnipresent, so hiding from the Spirit of God while in the club, at that certain someone’s house or erstwhile gallivanting in sin is ridiculous.

Courtesy: John Gunion, "The Sun"

Courtesy: John Gunion, "The Sun"

However, there is one place I wish God didn’t see me (and forgive the candor, but tagging on this Wall is about being real). That’s right, the dreaded Number 2. Amen, somebody?

I mean, while you are blue-knuckling it and playing a nice game of Tetris on your iPhone is not where you want to see the Almighty staring back at you.

Nonetheless, there he is, catching a bathroom glare at the neighborhood IKEA according to WOW News’ The Telegraph (UK).

There is some debate over whether the face truly represents the Son of Man, or whether it is in fact Gandalf out of the Lord of the Rings, or even a member of ABBA.

Okay, that line… genius!

Now whether this mug shot was a wise old warlock, a beatnik 80s roller skate band member or even the Shroud of Turin, the last place I need to see a pictograph within three inches of my face is while I am dropping a deuce.

“I was only heading to the toilet and I found God,” one shopper told the Telegraph . “It’s certainly not what you expect to find in an Ikea store. Mind you, you need a little divine intervention to get out of here sometimes.”

I’ve heard of stranger places to have a sacred experience, but have mercy! Imagine the sales and marketing team of this global chain, “On sale now. The second coming… in a store near you.”

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Life does have absolutes, contrary to what most Darwinian scientists, Atheistic sluggards and U.S. politicians believe.

Those would include:

  • Jesus is alive
  • Oxygen helps us breathe
  • Water can make you drown
  • The economy sucks and…
  • Paula & Randy White are convinced they are one Jheri Curl short of being black

Those absolutes make us comfortable, and the last one makes us laugh… a little.

Well, that last one is about to get blown back to 1609 as the justice system is ready to show how white the “you had best slap your neighbor’s weave” posse really is.

According to the St. Petersburg Times, Brandon White – son of the megachurch pastoral divorced couple – is being sued by a young black man named Joshua Brian Randolph who says he was called the “N-word” in several e-mails.

As proof, Randolph, 24, provided the Times with e-mails sent from Yahoo and Gmail accounts.

Yeah, we all think she's pretty foolish as well.

Yeah, we all think she's pretty foolish as well.

Now, this is not a theosophical stand-off on Randy and Paula White’s ability to fill a stadium, milk a scripture, offend a brother or sister, mislead the throngs and get a divorce. (What? I say something wrong?)

However, seriously, Joshua?

You don’t think young pubescent Brandon, who I’ll bet you a crisp dollar wears his pants around his knees, can’t put on a baseball cap the right way and slurs his way through a sentence you couldn’t diagram with a GPS unit, wasn’t just taking a little luxury with you?!

This is a kid who grew up hearing “Hey girl” and “That’s my ***ga'” more times than Richard Pryor’s and Eddie Murphy’s kids put together. So, of course, when he befriends an African-American, he probably thought it was a rite of passage to call said African-American every name in the book once considered extremely offensive and fuel to bigotry.

And so, he gets on his Yahoo! and Gmail account and begins to put cocaine pinky nail… er, finger to keyboard and write what he thinks.

Unfortunately, dude was a couple of consonants off from being hip and now he is the target of a lawsuit.

Irony at its best.

But wait, there’s more… if it’s a story about Paula White, you know there’s a catch.

Barry Cohen, the attorney representing the church, said Wednesday he has proof that Randolph has a history of impersonating others via fake e-mail accounts and telephone numbers, beginning with retired NBA player and coach Avery Johnson. Someone claiming to be Johnson told the church that Randolph would travel to Tampa as his representative to help with a youth ministry at Without Walls.

Let’s get this straight – we have a Vanilla Ice wannabe with a silver spoon throttled down his gullet, a youth minister at Without Walls there on furlough who may be a huge, lying sack and arguably said aspiring Caucasian rapper getting carried away with the “He ain’t heavy, he’s my b-r-u-t-h-a”. How do I know?

Randolph says he was at the church for just a few days before having a run-in with Brandon White over use of a church vehicle. He says he heard White make several offensive and racist jokes, and that he later got e-mails using the N-word five times.

Those jokes were probably dude’s way of trying to fit in and get a high-five. What a twit. Anywhoo…

This is one ridiculous lawsuit, and although I’m certain Brandon didn’t help matters thinking he was Nino Brown and all, Randolph is the one who will come out of this looking oh so stupid. He already does.

Here’s how the story ends:

Randolph said he spoke to the president of the local chapter of the NAACP, Carolyn Collins. He said she would be there.

When reached by phone Wednesday, Collins said she was not aware of the lawsuit or any news conference. She said she would have to be notified if anyone representing the NAACP was scheduled to appear.

She had not heard anything.

The White’s have little to no reputation outside of the mute-deaf-dumb circles they run round-and-round in. They are divorced. They lost one of their churches due to debt and not paying the bills. They are considered by some to be fraudulent purveyors in the pulpit. They are pep rally artists, not preachers. And… as if that wasn’t bad enough… they have bad haircuts. (Mix in a trip to Sport Clips or something).

In other words, they are going to bring it despite the inane musings of their son, Paul Mooney Jr., because they have nothing else to lose.

Joshua Randolph, if that really is your name, I’m afraid you yanked on the wrong Jheri Curl because you are one polygraph away having something slap you back.

Ah yes. It’s back – Christian marketing.

A while back, Wall Watchers were bemused by a visual onslaught of lovely t-shirts and branding that’s the equivalent of a six-year-old with crayons watching commercials. Today, we find a story that makes the church look a skosh better and a tad more current.

Celebrity endorsements, how novel. But who? Would you believe the Newsboys on a pair of Chuck Taylor Converse All-stars?! I know!

Hey now, you're an all-star... wait, that's not their song!?

Hey now, you're an all-star... wait, that's not their song!?

The band who almost began “borrowing” something for the secular [Originally, their name was “The News” in the 80s, but Huey Lewis may have had something to say] now dawns the most sacred and regaled kicks on the market.

Nice.

“The opportunity to be associated with Converse Chuck Taylor All Stars is exciting,” says newsboys [sic] manager Wes Campbell. “I have personally worn them for years. newsboys is a great choice to break into this market. We launched the shoes on newsboys’ current The Way We Roll Tour, which kicked off October 1 in Greensboro and will run through mid-November.”

Nice plug for the tour, Wes. Only one small issue, boys.

Before you can “Shine” with these shoes, you may want to sell them on your Web site’s store. Just sayin’.

BREAKING NEWS (November 22, 2009): Billy Joe Daugherty lost his battle with lymphoma cancer. He was 57.

Typically, we adorn the Wall with a comical panache, but not today.

In today’s age of overblown televangelism and megachurch pastors drawing mega ‘tude, we have an exception being dealt a bad hand.

billyjoedaughertyAccording to NewsOn6.com in Tulsa and Charisma magazine nationally, we read that the regaled and respected Billy Joe Daugherty of Victory Christian Center has been diagnosed with lymphoma cancer.

In a letter read during worship services, Daugherty, founder of Victory Christian Center in Tulsa, said he was hospitalized last week because of a viral infection in his throat. After running a series of tests, doctors diagnosed him with lymphoma, a cancer that affects the lymphatic system.

This creates the same question in the minds of believers when you see those depressing infomercials shilling for ministries feeding kids in Africa, “Seriously God? Why him?”

Answer: Who knows. What I do know is that you will not hear Pastor Daugherty complain one bit – not in his letter or even on his blog.

“My faith is in God’s ability to give me victory in life and healing from sickness every day,” said Daugherty, who is well-known for his Word-Faith teaching. “Therefore, I am standing on God’s promises of wholeness in every cell.”

I mean this was guy when preaching about thanksgiving and praise for God gets punched in his grill during an altar call. Did he get ticked? No, he bailed this tool out of jail.

Why him? I don’t know but I will tell you his testimony out of this will be a ministry for millions.

Bless you, Pastor Daugherty. The bricks on the Wall got your back in prayer. Peace.

What class would look like in a Scientology Pre-K.

What class would look like in a Scientology Pre-K.

You know you’re in Hollywood when the movie stars stop making headlines for their film reviews and start getting the media’s attention for being stupid, raging against politicians and having convoluted religious beliefs.

And greeting us at the gates to the sexually perplexed and ecumenically devoid would be America’s fabled door attendant, Tom “Captain Scientology” Cruise.

Walking into his fabled kingdom of the criminally insane, we discover his wife Katie Holmes who has been shacked away from the world and tending to the spiritual love child of Dianetics named Suri.

Suri was destined to become yet another immortal soul being who people wanted to hurl off the “Bridge of Total Freedom” because she was so crazed with Thetan thinking, but thanks to young Katie, there may be hope in the form of Papal intervention.

According to the Daily Mail (UK), Katie decided to undergo her own “Mission Impossible” and enroll baby Suri in some fru-fru Catholic school, Catholic Charities Yawkey Centre For Early Education And Learning in Boston, Massachusetts.

“Katie has been listening to her parents who are devout Catholics,” I’m told [the reporter by the ubiquitious, money-grubbing sources]. “She is not convinced by Scientology and has told Tom that she wants Suri to be educated as a Catholic – as she was. They had been having huge problems agreeing on her school. To say they were having arguments is putting it mildly – but Tom came around to the idea in the end.”

The article also mentions that Tom is on a movie shoot. Hrm.

So, is this necessarily of story of brazen faith and coming back to the Church, or just some spineless jellyfish move of a scorned woman taking advantage of her hubby out of town for six months?!

I would say Katie is so emotionally scarred that she is in need of a psychiatrist, but hey… we all know that’s got a snowball’s chance in hell of happening in Tommy’s kingdom, right?

Scientology spin control and bullies e-mailing me with accusations of slander in 3… 2… 1…