Archive for October 22, 2009

Life does have absolutes, contrary to what most Darwinian scientists, Atheistic sluggards and U.S. politicians believe.

Those would include:

  • Jesus is alive
  • Oxygen helps us breathe
  • Water can make you drown
  • The economy sucks and…
  • Paula & Randy White are convinced they are one Jheri Curl short of being black

Those absolutes make us comfortable, and the last one makes us laugh… a little.

Well, that last one is about to get blown back to 1609 as the justice system is ready to show how white the “you had best slap your neighbor’s weave” posse really is.

According to the St. Petersburg Times, Brandon White – son of the megachurch pastoral divorced couple – is being sued by a young black man named Joshua Brian Randolph who says he was called the “N-word” in several e-mails.

As proof, Randolph, 24, provided the Times with e-mails sent from Yahoo and Gmail accounts.

Yeah, we all think she's pretty foolish as well.

Yeah, we all think she's pretty foolish as well.

Now, this is not a theosophical stand-off on Randy and Paula White’s ability to fill a stadium, milk a scripture, offend a brother or sister, mislead the throngs and get a divorce. (What? I say something wrong?)

However, seriously, Joshua?

You don’t think young pubescent Brandon, who I’ll bet you a crisp dollar wears his pants around his knees, can’t put on a baseball cap the right way and slurs his way through a sentence you couldn’t diagram with a GPS unit, wasn’t just taking a little luxury with you?!

This is a kid who grew up hearing “Hey girl” and “That’s my ***ga'” more times than Richard Pryor’s and Eddie Murphy’s kids put together. So, of course, when he befriends an African-American, he probably thought it was a rite of passage to call said African-American every name in the book once considered extremely offensive and fuel to bigotry.

And so, he gets on his Yahoo! and Gmail account and begins to put cocaine pinky nail… er, finger to keyboard and write what he thinks.

Unfortunately, dude was a couple of consonants off from being hip and now he is the target of a lawsuit.

Irony at its best.

But wait, there’s more… if it’s a story about Paula White, you know there’s a catch.

Barry Cohen, the attorney representing the church, said Wednesday he has proof that Randolph has a history of impersonating others via fake e-mail accounts and telephone numbers, beginning with retired NBA player and coach Avery Johnson. Someone claiming to be Johnson told the church that Randolph would travel to Tampa as his representative to help with a youth ministry at Without Walls.

Let’s get this straight – we have a Vanilla Ice wannabe with a silver spoon throttled down his gullet, a youth minister at Without Walls there on furlough who may be a huge, lying sack and arguably said aspiring Caucasian rapper getting carried away with the “He ain’t heavy, he’s my b-r-u-t-h-a”. How do I know?

Randolph says he was at the church for just a few days before having a run-in with Brandon White over use of a church vehicle. He says he heard White make several offensive and racist jokes, and that he later got e-mails using the N-word five times.

Those jokes were probably dude’s way of trying to fit in and get a high-five. What a twit. Anywhoo…

This is one ridiculous lawsuit, and although I’m certain Brandon didn’t help matters thinking he was Nino Brown and all, Randolph is the one who will come out of this looking oh so stupid. He already does.

Here’s how the story ends:

Randolph said he spoke to the president of the local chapter of the NAACP, Carolyn Collins. He said she would be there.

When reached by phone Wednesday, Collins said she was not aware of the lawsuit or any news conference. She said she would have to be notified if anyone representing the NAACP was scheduled to appear.

She had not heard anything.

The White’s have little to no reputation outside of the mute-deaf-dumb circles they run round-and-round in. They are divorced. They lost one of their churches due to debt and not paying the bills. They are considered by some to be fraudulent purveyors in the pulpit. They are pep rally artists, not preachers. And… as if that wasn’t bad enough… they have bad haircuts. (Mix in a trip to Sport Clips or something).

In other words, they are going to bring it despite the inane musings of their son, Paul Mooney Jr., because they have nothing else to lose.

Joshua Randolph, if that really is your name, I’m afraid you yanked on the wrong Jheri Curl because you are one polygraph away having something slap you back.

Ah yes. It’s back – Christian marketing.

A while back, Wall Watchers were bemused by a visual onslaught of lovely t-shirts and branding that’s the equivalent of a six-year-old with crayons watching commercials. Today, we find a story that makes the church look a skosh better and a tad more current.

Celebrity endorsements, how novel. But who? Would you believe the Newsboys on a pair of Chuck Taylor Converse All-stars?! I know!

Hey now, you're an all-star... wait, that's not their song!?

Hey now, you're an all-star... wait, that's not their song!?

The band who almost began “borrowing” something for the secular [Originally, their name was “The News” in the 80s, but Huey Lewis may have had something to say] now dawns the most sacred and regaled kicks on the market.


“The opportunity to be associated with Converse Chuck Taylor All Stars is exciting,” says newsboys [sic] manager Wes Campbell. “I have personally worn them for years. newsboys is a great choice to break into this market. We launched the shoes on newsboys’ current The Way We Roll Tour, which kicked off October 1 in Greensboro and will run through mid-November.”

Nice plug for the tour, Wes. Only one small issue, boys.

Before you can “Shine” with these shoes, you may want to sell them on your Web site’s store. Just sayin’.