Archive for October, 2009

Today… well, scratch that… TONIGHT is when many families gallivant from house to house begging for candy. Others, more paranoid, go to malls or the ubiquitous “Fall Festivals”. Safer, but no more of a beating.

And then there are those fools who use this night to express misguided angst under the cloak of religion. That’s about all it gets credited as… the vandals, the criminal activity, the sacrifices. Oh, did I get your attention now?

The point is this is a real day, one not granted for peace and love. Rather, the rumor mill is a little more of a fact clearinghouse. The witches, the skulls, the dismay – all there, all true.

I have lil’ Wall Watchers, so I give them some fun and not play the legalism blues. However, what they know and what I know are two different things. What do you know? Check the video… a little Cross Eyed evangelism early, if you will.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “Halloween and the only Ghost to care …“, posted with vodpod
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Oaths.

Funny things, aren’t they?

People take an oath when they get married, and how’s that working out for half of this globe? Oaths are performed when swearing someone into office, and that seems to be for show. And then, there are those oaths that a witness takes when they are about to lie their tail off about the plantiff.

You know, it’s a good thing those don’t mean a thing to God; otherwise, he would smoke some fools like Zeus with a lightning bolt.

Those are most of the examples of which I can imagine. That is until Acme Arena member Bene Diction decided to challenge meer, request I write about this Holy Ghost hullabaloo.

Brian TamakiNow I will warn you, this story hails from the New Zealand Herald. You would expect praise heaped upon Kiwis (quite honestly, some of my fave Wall Watchers are Aussies and Kiwis), but this fool is one big pitted-out prune.

Meet Brian Tamaki, leader of one of New Zealand’s largest megachurches, Destiny Church.

Evidently, he liked the view from his pulpit, peering over his serfdom, so he decided it would be a good move to promote himself from pastor to bishop and insist the male members [only them] of the church were his “spiritual sons”. That’s sweet, namely around “Father’s Day.” Good times, uh, Dad?

However, during that same service, the adoption became indoctrination as:

At a special service during the church’s annual conference in Auckland at the weekend, about 700 male members of the church swore a “covenant oath” of loyalty and obedience to Mr Tamaki and were given a “covenant ring” to wear on their right hands.

Look, dude. You call it what you want, but that is a Promise Ring! As in what I gave my 5th grade girlfriend back in the day. (Then, when that relationship didn’t work out, I gave it to what was behind Door #2).

According to the story, these men were former addicts, criminals and all-around bad seeds made nice. So, what a better way to welcome these emotionally challenged boys than make them wear slightly eerie promise rings and signed oaths that read:

“To you Bishop we pledge our allegiance, our faithfulness and loyalty. We pledge to serve the cause that is in your heart and to finish that work. Success to you and success to those who help you – for God is with you.”

That sound you hear was a mighty rushing wind… of me, dashing to the bathroom. Please, I think I have a little throw up in my mouth.

Remember Jonestown

Courtesy: Covertress. Peace.

People, that is not a church service. That is a cult warm-up session.What’s next? A nice, refreshing glass of Kool Aid?

Now, Bene clearly dissects that oath, which is worth the paper it was printed upon, but for grins here are some low-lights:

  • How to act toward dear ol’ Dad: The “sons” are told that “Bishop is the tangible expression of God”, so they need to understand how to properly approach their man of God “to protect the anointing and not transgress this special relationship”. They must ensure that Mr. Tamaki and his wife are both honoured, cared for and given appropriate respect. “Bishop is a people person. Often it is better we offend others than him.”

That’s sweet. However, if Dad were to instruct all his Bebe Kids to actually read the Bible, they would discover:

And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever; Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you (John 14: 16-17 KJV).

The day some greasy haired toolbox takes the place of my Jesus, I’m checking out of this place with the quickness. Next?!

  • How to act around Daddy Dearest: Don’t start talking or gesturing to somebody else while Bishop is speaking. The “sons” must never openly disagree with Mr. Tamaki in front of others and must “be careful not to become familiar (which can lead to contempt)” with him “due to his friendliness and openness”

I love the trend here. Here’s “Dad” demanding to be called “Mr. Tamaki” in a legal-ish contract. What? Are these 700 men the bastard children at your family reunion? Moving on.

  • How to act around those not digging Dad’s get-up: They must never tolerate anyone (regardless of who they are) speaking or talking critically of Mr Tamaki and his wife/family or the church. “You are not only to stop them in their tracks but warn them that they criticise you when they criticise Bishop.”

Brother, you have one of your goons touch a serious brother, he’ll show what the “laying on of hands” is all about. And trust me, he will stop that dead in its tracks.

When did Jesus ever demand this of his disciples, much less the rest of throng who followed him? Never. Outside of the Sermon on the Mount, the only oath he made them take was this:

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: ” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:36-40 NIV)

Now, that’s telling it like it is. Problem with Tamaki is he can’t love his neighbor like himself because he apparently doesn’t like himself that much. How else would you explain this self-deified regimen? He heard from God this would be a swell idea. I don’t think the Lord’s voice could penetrate all that hair product personally.

start-your-own-cult-today-how-to-religion-funnyThe word is out on this cult-figure tool. He knows it, so he decides to send the goon squad over to the local news station for a nice talk.

In a statement today, Destiny Church objected to what it alleged was inaccurate commentary by an “unidentified” individual in the TV3 news item, and the hidden camera footage. The statement said Destiny Church “had always had an open-door policy towards the media and general public and believes this trust has been breached by TV3 in their covert approach in this instance”.

The statement also said “a number of comments made by the individual (in the Campbell Live item) were grossly inaccurate” and questioned the credibility of its source, “which the programme fails to identify”.

It wasn’t like TV3 hired James Bond to go in there cloaked in subterfuge and yank the mystery out from the man. A reporter got a copy of this inane oath and told the world. Tamaki is eating a lot of crow, so he’s a skosh tweaked.

This isn’t biblical, but MEMO to Brian Tamaki: You can only put cologne on without taking a shower so many days in a row. After a while, that stink is going to be detected.

In other words, this story reeks to high heaven and Tamaki’s tail end is at the front of it. This is not of the Lord. Jesus is not pleased with you trying to make involuntary robots out of these people. You should be ashamed of yourself, but that will happen the day we get raptured.

Oh, and the worst part…

Oath takers paid $295 – plus a $5 administration fee – for the ring symbolising their loyalty to Bishop Tamaki. Some were given the option of paying the ring off over time. Members were also asked for $10 to fund the Destiny School building extension, and a gold-coin donation to Destiny Television Ministries.

After reading that, I have another saying… but um, I’ll just keep that to myself.

Paula White is no stranger to making a mockery of something – whether that be a marriage, a message or now a press conference where she is supposed to be defending the name of her son.

Television cameras descended on Without Walls International Church on Thursday for back-to-back news conferences about a racial discrimination lawsuit filed against the head pastor’s son.

Nice collection of framed press clippings on the wall. But no son?!

Nice collection of framed press clippings on the wall. But no son?!

Now, let’s get this:

  1. “Back-to-back” press conferences?! Why? One for the secular and one of the sacred? Perhaps, one for the mainstream church folk and then one for the poor hacks she ridicules weekly and they don’t have the intelligence to know the difference?!
  2. Against her son. Not her. This isn’t about her. This is about he son allegedly being a bigot (and for the record, this lawsuit is complete crap and should be laughed out of court). Paula White should be supporting her son, but meh. Back to the story…

So, there sits Paula, ready to support her son and make this case about how she is fed up and not going to take any more. Right? Take it away hired gun and legal pundit Barry Cohen:

Barry Cohen, the church attorney, who described what he called proof that the suit was a “racial con job.” There were standing ovations. There were shouts of praise. There were threats of more lawsuits.

There was no indication this would end any time soon.

At a press conference. About her son. Much ado about nothing.

Gee, I wonder why the Kool-Aid guzzling folk got all lathered up about legal speak at a presser. You think Brandon White is really that charismatic, or was he encountered with “Girl, Interrupted.”

Brandon White, 26, spoke publicly about the case for the first time. He said he can’t look at people without wondering if they believe the allegations. He said he hasn’t been able to sleep. Then, his mother spoke. Paula White said she started the church to promote racial harmony.

“We’re drawing the line and saying enough is enough,” she said. She turned to Cohen and told him, “Use the legal system as far as you can, as hard as you can and as long as you can.”

Meanwhile, you notice what is missing from this story? Anyone? Take your time… wait for it… Randy!

The kid wasn’t found in Paula’s shotty trailer park. He does have a father, but because he probably lost the cash and his dignity in the divorce, he’s nowhere. Pathetic.

And so, we’re back with the former Without Walls youth worker gone rogue civil rights advocate, Josh Randolph, who has decided to continue with the legal proceedings against Paula White’s son.

If you note the link above, this lawsuit was a modest $4,200. And now, it seems the “N-word” means a whole lot more Ka-chinger feeling to him.

“Money never crossed my mind,” he said. “Exposure crossed my mind. I wanted Tampa to know these people are racists. I’m not going to make this a media frenzy.” …his discrimination lawsuit in which he now asks for $2 million.

If there is nothing you can believe that comes out of this dudes’ mouth, believe this, he definitely is cut from the same make-up stained, ballyhooed cloth that Paula is because this is some drama for your mama!

Think we’ll be covering this one on the Wall? I would bet a few extra bricks on that one.

I admire older people who refuse to quietly into that good night.

You know the type, those curmudgeons who refuse to allow those younger whippersnappers lap them in traffic, talk back to them in the mall and tell them anything about history. We could really learn something from them… that is, unless you are 76-year-old Louis Farrakhan, in which case, “Dude, say when. Please?”

Is this how it all started? With Agent Zero here?

Is this how it all started? With Agent Zero here?

Why? It seems he has chimed in with the CDC, the White House and every other federal organization that says, “Meh” to the H1N1 vaccine.

However, you can count on the Nation of Islam leader for a little bit more colorful commentary (no pun intended… well, maybe a little).

It was a warm day at the Holy Day of Atonement, which was also the 14th anniversary of the Million Man March. He figured it’s been a few years since he had that one zinger to keep him in headlines, so he unloaded a round of fresh ammo on this afternoon:

“The Earth can’t take 6.5 billion people. We just can’t feed that many. So what are you going to do? Kill as many as you can. We have to develop a science that kills them and makes it look as though they died from some disease,” Farrakhan said, adding that many wise people won’t take the vaccine.

Stay classy, Louie.

When my lil’ Wall Watchers got the piggy virus, I thought the same thing: “Man, this is uncool. The only way I can save my children from tyranny and oppression is to give them a vaccine that Whitey made to create genocide upon our young people.”

Thanks for the confirmation.

By the way, while you are condemning every medical worker in the country, Moses called and advised Ancient Egypt wants their Pharaoh back. Seriously, brother minister? Is the CDC really the “Caucasian Destroyer Coalition“?! Back to the story…

The black community has become toxic and must cleanse and restore peace from within,” Farrakhan said.

True, but how do you suggest they do it unless they heed the advice of radical xenophobes like you and Marcus Garvey and exile themselves to Africa?

I’m not sure you have seen the headlines, but life ain’t peachy in the motherland, brother. Intense famine. Extreme poverty. Sickness beyond measure. And that AIDS thingy just won’t slow down.

But, he’s on to something I guess because there’s not a lot of charity for swine flu in Zimbabwe.

If the black community must restore peace from within, then shouldn’t said black community rid themselves of those who do nothing but stir up pestilence and pain? You know, on the inside?

Just a thought… that I wish would catch on.

Hulk and his bookRecently, we posted on the Wall the trials, tribulations and tumultuous love gone awry in the life of Terry “Hulk Hogan” Bollea.

Back then, we read his ex-wife and wanna-be reality starlet, Linda, had gone cougar and began shtupping with one of her incarcerated son’s buddies. Classy.

Since then, the divorce proceedings have reeled this family, no one has a TV show and the only people left dealing with this drama are the family involved.

However, ever-clamoring for the elusive limelight, Hulk Hogan found a way to crawl back into our line of sight.

He’s got a tell-all memoir making national news because he admits he considered suicide after the divorce was final.

In his new book “My Life Outside the Ring,” the former wrestler describes how he hit rock bottom after breaking up with his wife of 23 years, Linda, and coping with his son Nick’s accident in which he lost control of Hogan’s Toyota Supra.

The odd thing is while the lights, camera and action was breaking loose in the Hogan/Bollea household, it was the daughter of another iconic sports figure who saved Hulk’s life – Lalia Ali.

I know… really?!

Hogan said Ali, the daughter of boxing great Muhammad Ali, prevented him from committing suicide after he had downed a cocktail of Xanax and rum. She called after noticing he had been looking distracted at work.

“Work” being a sidekick on the redux of failed sports show, “American Gladiators.” The moment she called, his hand was reportedly on the trigger; thus, the catalyst of his “spiritual awakening.”

According to PopCrunch.com, he continued to forget his Hulkamaniacs and focus on his own despair:

Hulk writes: “There were times when I thought that a whole bottle of pills would go down easy . . . Then I noticed the gun in my hand. I was careless with it . . . I kept my finger pressed right to that trigger . . . and if I moved that finger an inch in the right direction . . . I would have blown my brains out.”

I know when we see people larger than life, it’s difficult to remember these Hollywood types are just people – real feelings, real emotion, really jacked up.

God’s got your attention now, Hulkster. Forget the pythons. Ignore the vitamins. This is about your prayers. What’cha gonna do?