God is about his word. A relationship with Jesus is about faith. But nowhere in the history of Christendom would the early disciples have imagined the phrase “Word of Faith” have created such vitriol and irascible angst.

But then came Robert Tilton who thought it would be a good idea to transform that moniker into a calling card for interloping and pilfering in the name of the Lord. Nice.

Courtesy DMN Photography

Courtesy DMN Photography

So, where’s he been since he was taken away in cuffs and sent to the pokey?

Miami, of course.

And, according to a clever, well-worth-the-read story by Scott Parks of the Dallas Morning News, we take a look into how Tilton is looking for “Success N’ Life” for a third time around.

An indication of just how far below the radar he flies nowadays came in February when a masked gunman invaded Tilton’s beachfront mansion, and the Miami news media didn’t even bother to report the incident.

Yeah, I told you this was good.

I suppose the Miami media (and authorities, if you need them) figures a man who touts to have the batphone to heaven in his friggin’ shower should have received a hit on his hip from the big man upstairs. Only the big man was some fool packing four bills named “Bubba.”

Turnabout is fair play, I suppose.

Oh, save the sanctimony. God is gracious and he forgives anyone for anything at anytime as long as that person’s heart is contrite, broken and full of remorse… not for being caught, but for being wrong.

But, I ain’t Jesus! (Thank God for that. Collective sighs patter around the globe.)

Has he learned his lesson… even after the attempted robbery and kidnapping (his kids were in the house during the botched break-in)? In two words? [No, not those]. Nuh-unh.

After the home invasion, the Tiltons moved out of their 8,000-square-foot Miami Beach mansion and into a South Beach high-rise with 24-hour security. They put the house on the market for $6.9 million.

Sure, because a brother still needs to get his botox on. And it turns out the silver-tongued…er, haired cat is up to his typical bag of tricks.

Still rocking the “God’ll make you rich” scheme, he has a pirated televangelism empire that looks like it is rocking out of his mama’s basement in the Sunshine State. You know, because the dude can’t get a real job vacuuming high-rise condos or something.

Today, Tilton plies his trade on a Web site called streamingfaith.com. On the daily one-hour program called Robert Tilton Live! he promotes his patented Success N Life gospel, which generally postulates that God will reward donors with blessings that far outstrip the amount of the check they send to pastors such as Tilton.

Hey, if those mindless dolts pay it, he will surely keep coming.

So THAT's who he looks like?!

So THAT's who he looks like?!

I suppose the saving grace is this dude isn’t plastering his twisted theology all over TBN, Daystar or the Inspiration Network during prime time. No, even better. Mr. Mountebank [not a real name] is actually airing his drivel on… wait for it… BET during the bewitching hour.

You know, my Dad used to tell me when attempting to curtail my curfew, “Boy, the only thing open at two in the [expletive] morning are hospitals and legs… and I know you ain’t sick. But you about to be.”

And before I have post-traumatic stress memories of thorough butt kickings, I have to tell you the theme of that story. Nothing good can happen at that hour.

That includes false proselytizing, money grubbing and preying on the innocent, downtrodden and heavenly minded. You know, the fake evangelist Modus Operandi. I think there’s a handbook out there or something.

And to better prove Tilton has absolutely no business in a pulpit, broadcast or any other medium, is this:

In addition to their church work, Tilton also owns a publishing company and several other for-profit businesses. Records filed with the Nevada secretary of state’s office in 2006 list Tilton as president, secretary, treasurer and director of Stella Vita International, a multi-level marketing operation that sells nutritional supplements.

Now, I know plenty of God-fearing people who are in direct sales and selling excellent supplements. So, nothing wrong with that. But, talk about mismanagement of perception. (?!?!)

Everyone on earth considers this nimrod to be a huckster, and now he is running a Ponzi scheme. (Please, there is nothing “nutritional” about Tilton or his products). Keeping it classy with “prosperity opportunities”, eh, Bobo?

“I’m not so sure I see the difference,” Tilton was quoted as saying in a 2006 news release. “Ever since I got rid of religion, I’ve had a party with God! And now we’re all going to have a party with Stella Vita” – a quote that would make his lawyer wince.

Nice.

Well, there is so much more I could say, but suffice to say, God is still omniscient. He sees the matters of the heart, and although Tilton is able to weasel his way in to people’s homes still, he will reap what he sows. He is all about “seeds of faith,” after all.

So, to commemorate what a loving, endearing megalomaniac he is in balmy Miami, let’s get our vile of holy water, vat of oil from Jesus’ brow and kick it old school with some of his most famous clips found on the Internet.

Without further adieu, some miasma moments and gaseous glory:

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Comments
  1. Polycarp says:

    I bet…. Well, when I come up with one for you, you’ll know it!

    Keep ’em coming!

  2. hiscrivener says:

    And that’s saying something seeing how yours are on the side of your head.

    HA! I got a million of ’em for you, brother.

  3. Polycarp says:

    Tears in my eyes…

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