Archive for May 15, 2009

“Take a few minutes to give a big ‘God bless ya’ to your neighbors.”

These are some of the most feared words to come from a church pulpit since the Dark Ages when the Papacy would extol, “So, um, indulgences for sale. Anyone a sinner today?”

Men pretend they have to go pee, have a call they immediately have to take for concern of national security or may decide that now is a good time to check on the kids in the nursery. Anything except meet and greet people that may or may not be seen at Luby’s after service.

Maybe it’s an intrusion in private space. Perhaps it’s the swine flu. Or it could just be some fellas aren’t the biggest “people persons.” Whatever this interdenominational plague is, there has always been something to it.

And now, thanks to this story from WOW News’ (and Reuters) Faithworld, we know why:

Men who go to church regularly prefer “proper macho songs” and feel uncomfortable with hugging and sitting in circles discussing their feelings, a survey for Christian men’s magazine “Sorted” has found.

Macho Jesus

I guess this is more of the idea

This UK survey found that men want to worship Jesus as-is: A MAN!

So, uh, what? Right before praise and worship, splash on a little Old Spice to get you in the spirit?

How about before the pastor gets up, all the men count to three and let fly? Sure, that’s macho.

Or possibly – if Christian manly men are slightly more daring – walk up to some dude and ask him to build a confessional on the spot. Now, that’s what real men do, right?

Nearly 60 percent of respondents said they enjoyed singing, but were more motivated by “proclamational” hymns than sentimental-type songs.

Well, it’s not like the band has a Karaoke machine plugged in blaring “Send in the Clowns” or anything by Celine Dion. It’s WORSHIP, you tools.

Men were also uninspired by church discussion groups, with many suggesting that the pub would be a much better place for interacting.

Yeah, because “the pub” is a particularly sweet joint to crush a few Sprites and ensure the smoke in there is actually from the incense you just lit because you invited your priest. Right, macho guy?

Take this virile fellowshipper, who is probably heavily mustachioed and rocking the chest tuft with gold chains:

Jesus recruited a bunch of 12 ordinary blokes before he began his ministry proper. They spent three years together doing stuff,” said Sorted’s publisher and managing editor Steve Legg. “He sat down and ate with them and built relationships,” Legg said, explaining how the church should go about reaching the male congregation.

...Or perhaps this guy?

...Or perhaps this guy?

I guess we should just avoid at all costs those frilly parables about Mary Magdalene, Martha (first to praise a resurrected Jesus), Anna the Prophetess, Priscilla and then there’s that annoying little girl… um, oh yeah, Jesus’ MAMA!

Sigh. I guess I’ll turn in my man card because I see way too many opportunities in the Bible to evangelize that have to deal with those pesky women. Tenets such as faith, virtue, steadfastness, determination and sacrifice.

But who cares as long as I can get my Sunday morning man crush on about Samson, Paul, Solomon (a real ladies man) and Peter (the cutting-ears-off Peter, not the get-thee-behind-me one… big wussy). Good times.