Archive for May 4, 2009

Humor me, Wall Watchers.

I have been waiting a while to post this. I have searched for high and low for this being fraudulent. I have exhausted every opportunity and turned under every rock.

Jesus NEEDS to take the wheel

Jesus NEEDS to take the wheel

Instead, I remember the faction between Jesus and jovial insanity is… the people. And then, I got it. Soooo, here we go:

Meet Bill Henderson of Fort Morgan, Colo.

Billy Boy decides he needs a filler and goes to a revival meeting and get his Holy Spirit on.

On he did, as he drove off from the church gathering and drove on the curb, on the grass, on the median… anything but driving on the road. And so, he gets pegged by the local finest and off to jail he goes.

“He was swerving all over the road, and laughing and staggering around when we got him out of the truck,” says an officer. Henderson could not stand on one leg, nor walk a straight line, and was thrown into the city jail for the night, where he giggled and spoke in tongues.

This has routinely been an obstacle in my own spiritual nourishment. I have attended megachurch revivals that have rocked the house (of God) for more than six weeks. I have sat front row during faith healing crusades and seen God in action (as well as some salty professionals, I might add). I have been to the “old rugged cross” type and seen the “Old Landmark” personally.

Despite the size of the fellowship, God can show up in a majestic fashion and rock your world.

BUT…

While the Spirit of the Lord longs for us to draw near, does he indeed make us act like dorks who have completely lost their God-loving mind?!

I am a loud and proud Acts 2 | Joel 2 child of God, but the day I am so sauced by the Holy Spirit that I can’t drive my car, I’ll find a Satanist (or at least an Atheist) to become my designated driver.

Seriously? And apparently, people who allow that flesh to get in the way and drive out the spirit post-Azuza-esque meetings are a frequent fishing post for local police.

Police perch near revival meetings to hand out tickets to erratic drivers. The city is also considering a law against “spiritual drunkenness among young people” which could land pastors and visiting evangelists in hot water.

Let’s keep it classy out there people. But just in case you’re too scared to have Jesus juice and drive, enjoy the beloved Rev. Cleophus James! Shat-ta! Haa-to-be-the-glory!

jesus-kitkatAh, what a grand way to kick off the month of May than with a ubiquitous God sighting.

And all the way from the Netherlands, we have some tool who believes the Shroud of Turin has duplicated in his… wait for it… Kit Kat bar!

Dear editor, this morning on my work, I am shocked rot. I took a bite of a chocolate bar and then I saw a face in the bar. Well, there are the recent years many Christ apparitions, and I find that all rather far-fetched . In a pillow or a meteorite I read last. So first I could not believe it, but two of my colleagues agreed that I have seen.

Well, I’m uh, “shocked rot” too. Look at this… chocolate is called the “food of the gods,” so meh? Why not? Of course, if I was a God-fearing dentist, I would swear all day long that the devil made him do it.

Who am I kidding. Gimme’ a break, indeed.