For all those Wall Watchers who adore the popular “God Sighting of the Month”, this one’s for you.

paredolia-and-a-graphIt’s a public-relations-in-a-pinch story from the UK’s own Daily Mail, by way of the Vatican. We all get an enormous guffaw out of the dolts who flock to a local hardware store to check out Jesus window shopping, or the lonely baffoons who want to call Frito Lay and shout, “Praise Cheesus!”

Either way, this series was made to give a forum for all the sacrosanct people living in very rural trailer parks or remote barrios. Evidently, the fun made its way to the Pope who has “declared a holy war against people who claim falsely that the Virgin Mary is appearing to them.”

Question: If they are fake initially (save this one, which just got to me), how do you know they are false? Wouldn’t that be a double negative or something?

On with the show…

Benedict XVI plans to publish criteria to help them distinguish between true and false claims of visions of Jesus and the Virgin Mary, messages, stigmata – the appearances of the five wounds of Christ – and weeping or bleeding statues… The Pope is said to be deeply concerned by the explosion in the number of pseudo-mystics who, claiming a direct line to God, set themselves against the bishops and lure the Catholic faithful out of the Church and into cults.

Who is she? Just some chic window shopping

Who is she? Just some chic window shopping

Yeah, you’re right Il Papa. When I read the story about Joaquin Garcia who ran to the press with a picture of his baby’s sonogram – plus a certain Savior we all know, I totally thought, “Yeah, that flippin’ nurse purposely got a bad angle of this lady’s uteran wall just to get this acolyte to fly out of the belfry.”

Likewise Pontiff, when I doodled a little ditty about Troy Eckonen who experienced a visit from the Lord ala his french toast, I considered, “What good is transubstantiation without a soothing maple syrup taste anyway.”

Now, that B16 is cracking the whip o’nine tails, there is a three-step process before we can determine the difference between sacred vision or delusion of grandure:

  1. Shut up. Basically, if the crackpoter, individual can’t keep his or her mouth closed long enough from their friends (or you know, the press) then it’s “obviously” not true. Yeah, right.
  2. Straighten up. Continuing my flub of lunacy, said devotee will be visited by Papal psychiatrists. Right, because nothing says, “We love in Jesus name” like “Get your tail on that couch, and um, can you try on this jacket that buckles in the back?”
  3. Smarten up. This is a direct quote: The third step will be to investigate the person’s level of education and to determine if they have had access to material that could be used to falsely support their claims.

So, if you don’t mind your Holiness, allow me to summarize. According to the Vatican, the only way visions of the Virgin Mary or her Son are even plausible are if said divination occurs to mute people with the intelligence quotient of a pre-schooler and you don’t mind a routine Rorschach test, then enjoy making the Pope smile.

Otherwise, you created a holy kerfuffle, are full of poppycock and will probably be excommunicated. Either way, we’ll see you on the Wall once a month. Kudos.

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