Archive for January 23, 2009

Definition of Christian irony: Telling the world you are a bible-believing Christian; yet not believing the entire Bible.

get-real-in-jesus-nameNote the latest Barna poll and this story from World Net Daily that extols the following mind-numbing statistics:

  • 50 percent of folk who call themselves “Christian” don’t believe Satan exists
  • 35 percent of those dunderheads believe Jesus, while on earth, sinned
  • 40 percent of them say they do not have a responsibility to share their Christian faith with others
  • And 25 percent of these dolts don’t believe the Bible is the inerrant, infallible word of God

“Americans are increasingly comfortable picking and choosing what they deem to be helpful and accurate theological views and have become comfortable discarding the rest of the teachings in the Bible,” [Pollster George Barna] said.

See, this poll is awfully misleading; yet amazingly alarming.

There are tens of thousands of people who say, “Yeah, I’m a Christian” and the closest they have been to a church was last Christmas, Easter and Mother’s Day.

You know the type. They believe God’s last name is “damnit”, have no issues with drinking… I mean, getting tanked, has a Bible… in the trunk of their car collecting dust mites and somehow believe they are “deeply religious.” Oy!

However, one of the most fascinating findings in this poll is this:

By a margin of 71 percent to 26 percent adults “noted that they are personally more likely to develop their own set of religious beliefs than to accept a comprehensive set of beliefs taught by a particular church,” the report said.

wwjd-for-real1This is the homogenization of America, where people – sensitive people, we’ll call them “seekers” – can go to church, get bent out of shape because of a little conviction. So, they leave the service in a huff bound and determined to find a house of worship that doesn’t ruffle feathers, only combs their hair. Anyone feeling me yet?

It’s pathetic and a harrowing indictment of where Christendom is headed unless the Body of Christ gets active about evangelism and living out their salvation rather than hording it to themselves like the last piece of chicken in the bucket.

I’m sure these megachurches that house pastors who never preach hellfire and damnation are enjoying their um, “prosperity”. Tens of thousands of people warm pews across the states and around the globe watching animated messages, multimedia productions and pastors who prefer people call them “Ed” or “Joel” or “Bill” or even “Rick” rather than you know, “pastor“.

Which leads me to a question: What’s worse? A pulpit pimp who has no issue with where he stands biblically and publicly, nor with the Ferrari collection in his garage; or some of the pablum whores who refuse to minister God’s word with conviction for fear of offending someone?! I’d say that is a wash – a scalding, bubble-induced wash.

Before you answer, read this story and think about all the deceived people you know who believe they are completely Christian but believe that yin-yang tramp stamp they have makes them closer to “god”. Church, we have work to do because those pastors obviously have dropped the Bibleer, ball.

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Uncanny. Jesus really doesn’t think he gets enough press, because he has been showing his glowing face everywhere this month. And honestly, these stories are too rich to sit on until February.

If that's what it takes... dude.

If that's what it takes... dude.

So, there’s this Aussie who believes he saw a far out vision, man. Like, he witnessed a righteous blaze in his lava lamp of sweet baby Jesus and his mama. Awesome, man. Totally awesome, bud. Let’s party!

“I turned on my brand new lava lamp and watched in awe as the unmistakeable image of the Holy Mary cradling the Baby Jesus appeared.” The image took his breath away. “I immediately turned off the lamp and the lava has remained in this position ever since.”

And you know, like an inspired business man, dude makes a shrine to his deified bong hit… online. No seriously. Click to view the “HolyMaryLamp” Web site. Stay classy, bro.

So what does this prove? Jesus really is the Light of the World.

Meet David Engle of Overland Park, Kansas.

He is traipsing through the Kansas City Zoo with his family one fine day. Well, actually, the story doesn’t say if he was there with a family, or even a date. But if went to a zoo by himself, that would just be really sad, so I decided to presume he’s not a gomer.

Now, THIS is witnessing at the Zoo. Oy!

Now, THIS is witnessing at the Zoo. Oy!

Anywhoo, he finds the Bengal Tiger exhibit and flips his lid when he is met with people rubbing the rotund, protruding bellies of Buddha statues. The source of his angst? Righteous indignation.

“We can’t have a cross or a nativity scene on public property,” said Engle of Overland Park, who complained to a zoo employee. “It is phenomenal to me that the zoo would put up Buddha statues.”

Now, dig it, the BENGAL tiger exhibit. You know, the subcontinent? As in, not typically known for a pentecostal church, but that doesn’t stop Captain Legalism here from raising his voice so loud barnyard animals tuck tail and run for the closest hole in the ground.

The ironic thing is Buddhism isn’t typically associated with an entire country of two billion HINDUS!!! But I digress, sigh.

Engle, who said he and his family are Christians, said it was idolatry and “infuriating to God.”

See there, if I saw that in the zoo, I would just think cheeky design and a day of bland shopping at Pier 1 or Bombay led to the invasion of the pot-bellied deistic brother. But this cat wants to renew the Holy Crusades and complains to the manager. Nice.

“The zoo stays out of all politics and religion,” [Zoo Director Randy] Wisthoff said. “I’m sorry somebody interpreted it that way. I appreciate his comments and concerns. We will discuss it with our board leadership and see if they want me to get rid of them.

MEMO to Engel: Next time, you visit the zoo, consider your geography, history and theology before you appear as just some tool and cause those poor, defenseless “Jesus Lizards” to have the atheist animals ask, “So, is this how your people act all the time?”