ron-burgundy-talks-haggardMassage? Er… I meant, message. Yeah, that’s it. Sorry, I must have been thinking about something else. OK, maybe not.

Anywhoo, by now, I presume lest the rock you are living under has been flustered with erosion, you have heard about the trials and tribulations of Ted Haggard.

Well, for those of you still enjoying the comforts of your sedimentary abode, here’s your chance to hear about the sex-laden, drug-abusing, gay-massage having rouse of the former president for the National Association of Evangelicals.

No, the autobiography wasn’t enough. Dude is now taking his tale to the airwaves – HBO, no less to get all those family-friendly details.

In an HBO documentary set to air Jan. 29, disgraced evangelical leader Ted Haggard says he never claimed to be heterosexual, as was once reported, and he continues to struggle with same-sex attraction. But he’s committed to living a heterosexual life because he believes it’s better for children to be raised by a mother and a father.

Stay classy, brother.

So, “The Trials of Ted Haggard” covers this once godly and now gasbag father of five post-excommunication from his church and ministry after being caught in the throes of man love. Never mind the fact his kids and wife have to relive this melodrama, but now with HBO’s “no frills” approach to production [if you have seen the Sopranos, you know I am so kidding] the real seedy parts will be put out there… really out there.

Now, although I completely disagree with his Lazarus obsession with this personal drama refusing to let it die, I am completely in his corner about this:

“The reason I kept my personal struggle a secret is because I feared that my friends would reject me, abandon me and kick me out, and the church would exile and excommunicate me. And that happened and more,” he says.

Yep. That’s the Church – welcome to the home of parents who eat their young and bury their dead, while yet living.

Yes, what Ted did was atrocious. Yes, what Ted is doing is even worse. And yes, if he would have opened up to one person about this, he would have been bashed with scrutiny, instead of bridled with God’s love.

He had nowhere to turn. So what’s it say about the Church that the only place a pastor, a stalwart in Christendom had to feel safe and get solace was in the arms of a gay prostitute and a drug dealer?! How’s that for sobering? And you thought I was just going to talk about my Tivo, eh?

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