Archive for December 24, 2008

I could use this post to say so much, but I won’t.

The season is great (although the shoppers are not). The TV and movies are splendid. The food is divine. But leave it to a thumb-sucking, blanket-carrying minuature wunderkind to describe the true meaning of Christmas.

And, oh by the way, this testimony of Christ is on national TV proving there are still some things you can’t edit. Thank God for Charlie Brown (and the genius of Vince Guaraldi, the man tickling those ivories in all Peanuts shows).

HiScrivener is taking a break with My Fair Lady and my lil’ Wall Watchers. I pray God’s rich blessings on all of you who have bookmarked and visited the Wall for your online Christian punditry. Be back after the holiday hangover. Be filled, be focused and be favored with God’s love in the New Year.

Now, take it away Linus!

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In case you haven’t noticed, I enjoy pictures. Not that I am a closet photographer or anything, but I do believe visuals communicate a lot, despite whatever fetching and fitful phrases I can string together.

Among those pictures that provide HiScrivener with many giggles are celebrity mug shots. For some reason, famous people when confronted by the boys (or girls) in blue think it’s just another photo-op instead of mean muggin’ to garner street cred in the clink.

santa-mugNoteworthy head shots like Nick Nolte, James Brown, Jacko… and even this popular dude are good for a full day of joy in my deranged world.

So, when I found a veritable cornucopia on “The Smoking Gun” of the Jolly Old Fat Man caught on candid camera.

O’ good times indeed. As a mere tyke, I always believed the shopping mall Santas carried that familiar holiday, malodorous scent of cheap liquor, mouthwash and Brylcream.

Now, I have proof. Visit the aformentioned link as my present to you.

Merry Christmas everyone. And to all a great night!

Airports can be chaotic and frentic this time of the year.

If I was in public relations (you know, like I am now), I would think it to be a shrewd idea to create fanfare and frivolity in the terminals to spread the Christmas love among the already freaked-0ut travelers.

Airport KaraokeSo, I would hang up decor, dawn volunteers and staff with elf hats, spray fake snow all over the ticket checkout counters and pipe in Christmas carols ad-nauseum over the public address system. However, if I were in Houston’s Bush Intercontinental Airport, I would go one qualmish step further – karaoke!

There it is, just past the security checkpoint, set atop a small stage: a karaoke machine adorned with Christmas lights and stockings shaped like cowboy boots. There’s even a team of Christmas elves _ airport employees the rest of the year. “A little holiday karaoke while you wait? It’s fun and it’s free,” cooed Ashley Thompson. “You could be a star.”

Lady, it’s an airport. This ain’t American Idol, and I don’t think one of those polyester-clad ticket agents have Simon Cowell on the speed dial in case you do not make the stray cats outside jump in front of airport buses. But good on ya’ for grasping the spirit of marketinger, the holidays.

So, lounge lizards everywhere, get ready. Your 15 minutes start now and you are one leg warmer-wearing tweenager with a hyperactive cell phone away from becoming a YouTube sensation. Dust off the crushed velvet tuxedo and ruffled undershirt, grab your throat lozenges, pack of Kools and prepare to howl at the top of your coach-class lungs.

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-COUGH-la.

Ah, the warmth of the holidays.

Hot cocoa by an open-lit fire. Presents under the tree. Nat King Cole crooning “The Christmas Song”. And a condom handed to you by Santa Claus himself. Yep, it truly is the most wonderful time of the year…er…you say one of those things don’t belong?!

santacondoms2Makes sense to most Canadians who live in Toronto, as Santa was personally invested in who was naughty or nice as the Durex condom company paid perverted St. Nicks to hand out provolactics to passers-by. Stay Classy, Father Rated X-mas.

A press release from the company explained that costumed representatives, dressed as Santa Claus, would be handing out the condoms beginning on Tuesday, December 16. “This holiday season, Durex(R) wants lovers to really feel the Love,” says the release. “Helping Canadians get in the mood to wrap their packages, Durex and Santa will start celebrating the holidays by handing out Love condoms this Tuesday, December 16, 2008 in downtown Toronto. Giving never felt so good!”

Eartha Kitt would be puuuurfectly ashamed, as this gives a completely new and debauched meaning to “Santa Baby.”

It’s bad enough these tools at Durex think this is a kitschy enough idea to do during Christmas, paying no attention to the whole Jesus over tones, but does anyone at that worthless company understand who Saint Nicholas was in the first place?

Despite the ironic fact he looks an awful lot like Charles Darwin, he is a patron saint… as in revered Catholicism… and they may as well be doing this on the campus of Notre Dame for a bigger offense to that group of God-fearing folk. I guess the twisted street team could hae dressed up as priests, but they may have looked too conspicuous, eh?

So, Roman Catholics and all Greek and Eastern Orthodox believers alike, here is my present to you: Durex’s contact information.Forget the raincoat, USE THAT LINK to make a difference! Speech may be free, but I sincerely hope it costs Durex a lot. Hey, we all spend money this time of year. Let’s pray they spend more than most.

John Lennon said something stupid in 1966, and Christians have publicly protested The Beatles ever since. [NOTE: I know many Jesus folk that consider “White Album” to be among the holy grails in their collection, but that opinion is never shared publicly.] He said to the London Evening Standard

“Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink. I needn’t argue with that; I’m right and I will be proved right. We’re more popular than Jesus now; I don’t know which will go first – rock ‘n’ roll or Christianity. Jesus was all right but his disciples were thick and ordinary. It’s them twisting it that ruins it for me.”

Hey, at least he was forgiven for it… eh, last month. So, I wonder how long the stain from this story will last?

cowellxmasPopularity is something you extol – in a dumb, shortsighted type of way. Fame, on the other hand, is something that is heaped upon you. And like turds in a shovel being hurled into the trash, some people let that fame collect on their shoulders like dandruff.

And to continue with the analogy, Simon Cowell needs to see a dermatologist with the quickness after the results of a recent survey came out from hundreds of prepubescent kids in Great Britain.

In a sample of 1,600 under-10s, the TV personality was the top answer to the question: “Who is the most famous person in all the world?” God and the Queen ran a close second and third.

You would think Christmas would up the anty there, and God would have skewed a little higher, but then again if that were true, Simon would be more famous than Santa Claus. And how would you like that tool delivering your presents? There would be such a shortage of coal in this county, Greenpeace would throw a party!

I wonder if God would hold a Karaoke night in heaven? That may increase his awareness on YouTube at least. It worked for Sanjaya and William Hung. “He-bangs”, anyone?