Archive for December 18, 2008

Maybe you heard the story?

In the Washington state capital, we have a heartwarming, puke-laden, P.C. Christmas fresh with boughs of holly, a nativity scene and least to the fold, a sign from the “Freedom from Religion Foundation” that reads – at the feet of baby GPS Jesus no less:

There is only our natural world. Religion is but myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves minds.

I don’t know about you, but I am all warm and toasty with Yuletide cheer. Let’s go kick over some Salvation Army red kettles, beat up some homeless and flame up some local Angel Trees just to keep the presents. How ’bout it?

Are you kidding me? Well, it turns out I’m not only one with a weed about this story. Meet “Papa Bear” (homage to Colbert) Bill O’Reilly. You may have heard of him? Enjoy!

And to be fair… because you never know when Santa is watching to throw you on a lump of coal. Is Ho-Ho-Ho even necessary any more?! Ah well, there’s always New Years. They can’t ska-roo that up. Can they?

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We all have our vices. Mine? I love lists. From “If you could have dinner with three people…” to David Letterman’s Top 10. Name a list amidst a conversation, and I am in for pontification.

I would have created a blog for that kind of thing, but that’s already been done, so I just visit from time to time.

Anywhoo. Imagine the best Christmas you had, that involved in a television set. What was on? Do you remember? Do you have a video tapeer, DVD (sorry to age myself) that is worn to the nub? Can you recite the words to it… in your sleep? I can, and among those movies can recall that one monumental moment that makes you snarf up the soda you just guzzled and blow snot bubbles.

If your shoulders are shaking for coughing up your laughter in your office, then you will certainly adore this list from another brick on the wall, Idol Chatter (of the Beliefnet nation). So, to summarize, here goes [with a certain HiScrivener panache]:

Who did not say what he will shoot out?! That's a #1 movie to me.

Who did not say what he will shoot out?! That's a #1 movie to me.

10. Holiday: The tumble [I had to rent this, but enjoyed this, I must admit.]

9. White Christmas: Piano man [Any time you get that man bellowing that song, it’s venerable and everlasting]

8. Sleepless in Seattle: Dr. Marsha [Just because a movie takes place in December, is it a “Christmas movie”?!]

7. While You Were Sleeping: Mashed Potatoes [Ibid “Sleepless” but for my money, this is the MUCH better moment. A modern-day “Who’s on first”]

6. Elf: He’s Coming [See, just typing that made me crack up out loud]

5. A Christmas Story: The Triple Dog Dare [For my money, this is the best Xmas flick. Ever. #5? Puh-lease!]

4. The Ref: The tie up [Seriously?! You had me until right here]

3. Home Alone: Breaking and entering [I felt so guilty laughing at Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci, but genius stuff]

2. A Christmas Carol: God bless us everyone [An easy sentimental favorite considering the crowd. Timeless.]

1. It’s a Wonderful Life: Zuzu’s Petals [It’s sweet, but this isn’t even my fave moment in this movie. Wings, anyone?]

OK, the “Sleeping” moment is that good, but not really that Christmas. How can you hear the genius of Vince Guaraldi and NOT think of a “Charlie Brown Christmas”. Anyone see the Bruce Willis’ moment in “Die Hard”? Nothing quite says ho-ho-ho like yippie-ki-yay…

But please someone, for the love of Santa Baby Jesus Christmas tell me how in the world the greatness of Clark Griswold is not on this list?! “Is your house on fire, Clark… No, those are the Christmas lights.” Anyone? Ah, “Bend over and I’ll show you” what I think of this list.

Bah-dum-dum-ching!

santa-jesus-gpsI have often seen on Christmas cards, “Wise Men Still Seek Him.”

Well, they do if a shiny GPS is stuck to the ceramic Savior’s underbelly at some dingy church nativity scene near you.

Evidently, this is the new trend for the righteous – crime fighting paganistic ne’er-do-wells during the holidays by plastering a Tom-Tom or Garmin to the soft, exposed belly of baby Jesus.

Is there any part of stealing a baby Jesus that sounds like a good idea? It’s bad enough these sardonic dimwitted kids aren’t afraid to tempt God by swiping his son to feed their crack habit.

Now, they are bum rushing the Griswold’s home during the holidays, rummaging through the decor and causing jingle bells to ring until the cops show up.

Not exactly my idea of a Merry Christmas, but at least I know what GPS means: “God Protecting his Son”.

Giving up on old-fashioned padlocks and trust, a number of churches, synagogues, governments and ordinary citizens are turning to technology to protect holiday displays from pranks or prejudice. About 70 churches and synagogues eager to avoid the December police blotter jumped at a security company’s offer of free use of GPS systems and hidden cameras this month to guard their mangers and menorahs.

So, here’s my question: Does this give a whole new meaning to, “I have found the Lord.”