Meet Harold S. Williams, a first-class nimrod (and I mean that in the biblical sense).
You see, young nimrod here has been arrested in Lakeland, Fla. for “robbery by sudden snatching” and the generic crime of “disturbing a religious assembly.” In other words, he broke in a church, attacked someone and tried to let his fingers to the walking.
Or to be clearer from those vague penal code descriptions, he found church treasurer Shirley Judd, jumped out of the bushed and snatched some of the church offerings she had. Oh yeah, she is the stepmother of the Polk Country Sheriff Grady Judd. Maybe that explains why the fool is being held without bail.
So, if the nimrod stole cash from an old lady and ran off with his tail between his legs, how then was he caught? That’s the good part.
Evidently, at one time, Harold thought about getting right with Jesus before he got left with a case. In doing so, he visited Crystal Lake Baptist Church and filled out a visitor card… [dramatic pause]… AT THE SAME CHURCH HE DECIDED TO BURGLARIZE THE WEEK BEFORE.
Dude was casing the joint and got so busted. I had tears in my eyes and blowing snotbubbles when I read this the first time. Can you imagine being in lockdown with this maroon?
So, what you in for?
What about you?
Assault with a deadly weapon
And you, new fish?
Yeah (he says trying to sound hard, but his voice cracked)! I… uh… snatched a cool amount of cash from this old lady at a church, who recognized me from a visitor card I filled out.
Suffice to say, he’s going to enjoy crying out to Jesus now. But uh, I’m not a prison chaplain is what he considered. Good on ya’, dunderhead.