Archive for December 5, 2008

“Post-charismatic.” “Neoevangelical.” “Modernistic.” “Universal.”

The so-called “Emergent Church or Movement” is called many things – and none of them good. I, for one, completely agree. These milquetoast churches deconstruct everything people consider to be ecumenical – worship, evangelism, homiletics and uh, what’s that basic tenet of Christianity, oh yeah, SALVATION!

So, it’s fairly easy to presume that any leaders of this traveling circus church has a bunch of clowns who will eradicate all conviction from scripture and all meaning from the cross. And now we have the ringmaster of this movement claiming and prosletyzing that being homosexual is indeed biblical.

Huh?!

“I now believe that GLBTQ can live lives in accord with biblical Christianity (as least as much as any of us can!),” writes author and church leader Tony Jones, “and that their monogamy can and should be sanctioned and blessed by church and state.”

gay-church-street[That acrostic is Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transsexual and Queer. Which makes me think, is being gay just ‘happy’ while queer is being ‘fab-uuuuuuu-less’. IJS.]

Anywhoo, dude wants folk to stop fighting the confusion and just live out those same sex fantasies because like Prego about homosexuality and the Bible, “It’s in there.”

And why is he claiming heresy and sacrilege? Is it out of love for God’s Word? Etymology and exegesis of holy writ? Nah, just interested in new real estate because that ‘closet’ is wrinkling his clothes.

Despite recounting his earlier days of arguing that “biblical prohibitions to homosexual sex should be taken seriously,” Jones admits his experiences and feelings led him toward a different conclusion. “And yet,” Jones writes, “all the time I could feel myself drifting toward acceptance that gay persons are fully human persons and should be afforded all of the cultural and ecclesial benefits that I am.

Get that? “Biblical prohibitions”?! Sorry there, er, Pastor. In the real world, we call those commands from God! And not just located in the Old Testament, so not give me that dispensation argument, slick. However, in your myopic universe, those uncomfortable bumps in the spiritual road can be detoured and avoided simply by saying, “If Jesus died for us to be happy, THIS is what makes me… and he… happy.”

So sad. So deplorable. So unfortunate. So today’s Christianity. So in need of an extreme makeover: church edition.

Oh, and just in case, God – or yours truly – has no beef with hating a single person who chooses (get that word there) to be homosexual. Everyone has an opportunity to experience a saving grace moment with God. However, if you choose (there’s that word again) to ignore God all your days and rock it Frankie Goes to Hollywood, you have bigger problems than having the Church accepting you. It’s God I would be worried about doing that.

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Meet Harold S. Williams, a first-class nimrod (and I mean that in the biblical sense).

You see, young nimrod here has been arrested in Lakeland, Fla. for “robbery by sudden snatching” and the generic crime of “disturbing a religious assembly.” In other words, he broke in a church, attacked someone and tried to let his fingers to the walking.

stealingOr to be clearer from those vague penal code descriptions, he found church treasurer Shirley Judd, jumped out of the bushed and snatched some of the church offerings she had. Oh yeah, she is the stepmother of the Polk Country Sheriff Grady Judd. Maybe that explains why the fool is being held without bail.

So, if the nimrod stole cash from an old lady and ran off with his tail between his legs, how then was he caught? That’s the good part.

Evidently, at one time, Harold thought about getting right with Jesus before he got left with a case. In doing so, he visited Crystal Lake Baptist Church and filled out a visitor card… [dramatic pause]… AT THE SAME CHURCH HE DECIDED TO BURGLARIZE THE WEEK BEFORE.

Dude was casing the joint and got so busted. I had tears in my eyes and blowing snotbubbles when I read this the first time. Can you imagine being in lockdown with this maroon?

So, what you in for?

Murder.

What about you?

Assault with a deadly weapon

And you, new fish?

Yeah (he says trying to sound hard, but his voice cracked)! I… uh… snatched a cool amount of cash from this old lady at a church, who recognized me from a visitor card I filled out.

Suffice to say, he’s going to enjoy crying out to Jesus now. But uh, I’m not a prison chaplain is what he considered. Good on ya’, dunderhead.

I’m so glad to be a Christian. You know, worshiping a living God, following biblical tenets and not serving cows and dolled-up three-year old girls!

Meet Matani Shakya, newly “appointed” kumari, or living goddess.

Nepal Living GoddessAin’t she cute? All that divinity and still digs Dora the Explorer.

Hey, at least she is creating some semblance of religious universalism because Hindu and Buddhists priests hooked up and determined she passed the “God” test and dubbed her a living goddess. (Granted it happened in October, but hey, news doesn’t travel fast from Nepal).

OK, I’m game. Let’s say my career doesn’t work out. What do I have to do to be considered a deity? [And I may have some ruminations in here as well].

A panel of judges conducted a series of ancient ceremonies to select the goddess from several 2- to 4-year-old girls who are all members of the impoverished Shakya goldsmith caste. [Ah, rich girls gone wild. Nice.]

The judges read the candidates’ horoscopes and check each one for physical imperfections. The living goddess must have perfect hair, eyes, teeth and skin with no scars, and should not be afraid of the dark. [Yeah, because when you are sitting alone on a mountaintop, you don’t want to be caught screaming out to yourself for protection. Folk may have to sedate a goddess.]

As a final test, the living goddess must spend a night alone in a room among the heads of ritually slaughtered goats and buffaloes without showing fear. [Because if the fear doesn’t kill you being thrown into a bad scene from “Pet Cemetery”, the rabies might.]

Having passed all the tests, the child will stay in almost complete isolation at the temple, and will be allowed to return to her family only at the onset of menstruation when a new goddess will be named to replace her. [No comment necessary, is there?]

But hey, after she goes through her Bugs Bunny, Toon Disney and Hannah Montana phases, she flies the coop and ready to filter through the line of eligible suitors. I mean, who wouldn’t want to hook up with a deified feminista?

Nepalese folklore holds that men who marry a former kumari will die young, and so many girls remain unmarried and face a life of hardship.

Ah well, she will always have a loka. And if not, reincarnate into a cow. Good times, unless of course you are slated for hamburger.