Archive for December 4, 2008

So, the next time you are in your neighborhood grocery store, gas station or pilfering through gangling lines in the mall searching high and low for whatever Dora the Explorer & Spongebob is branded on, consider this lovely Yuletide news from Rasmussen Reports:

…A new Rasmussen Reports national telephone survey finds that 68% of American adults prefer stores to show signs saying “Merry Christmas” rather than “Happy Holidays. Only one-quarter of adults (25%) favor signs that say “Happy Holidays.”

aclu-xmas-alert-systemAnd stick that in your corncob pipe, ACLU and atheists everywhere. Ho-ho-ho. Other interesting stats of the anti-bah-humbug HOLY-days are:

  • Men (71%) favor “Merry Christmas” slightly more than women (65%). [Why? Because women say it to who matters, guys are channeling George Bailey and reenacting “It’s a Wonderful Life” with their dorky selves.]
  • From a politically partisan perspective, Republicans (84%) overwhelmingly prefer “Merry Christmas” more than Democrats (51%). Far more Democrats (43%) wish for “Happy Holidays” signs than Republicans (13%). [And this surprises who exactly? If the DNC were any more liberal as a whole when it comes to the legal prejudice that is Christianity, Catholic Churches would remove the crucifix because that shows human torture and reminds war protesters of Guantanamo Bay.]
  • Regardless of what the signs say, 53% will be attending a Christian church service on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day this year. One-third (32%) do not plan to go to a service.[Because everybody wants to pray for help that their credit card goes through and those checks don’t bounce. Everyone repeat after me, “I’ll pay when my taxes come in.” So ghetto we are.]
  • While five percent (5%) of adults have already finished their Christmas shopping, 72% believe the Christmas season starts too early. Only 21% disagree. [That’s easy to figure. Even the ACLU and folk like that hate it when that one adult contemporary radio station languishing for ratings goes ‘All Xmas, All Day’ right before Halloween. Who wouldn’t go bananas with the Chipmunks for that long?!]

Well, as for me and my house, while we are serving the Lord, I’ll be home for CHRISTmas, rolling up my Greensleeves whether that fat dude comes to town or not. Good times.

“Holy Rollers”. “Jesus Freaks”. “Tongue Talkers”.

These are some of the terms of endearment given to Christians – regardless of denomination – from hell bent folk, atheists and staff members of the ACLU alike. OK, just joshin’… atheists got a shot to salvation (ba-dum-dum-ching).

Bible Thumper going for the homeless disciple look

Bible Thumper going for the homeless disciple look

However, probably the most infamous of all monikers is “Bible Thumper”. Minister an uncompromised word to anyone in the workplace and you’ll get this one.

Or, if you are uber bad witness for Christ and Tampa Bay, Fla. town oaf Mark Alan Sutto seen muggin’ right here.

Police say 48-year old Mark Alan Sutto was delivering a street sermon when he interfered with the Turkey Trot 10K on Thursday by shouting at runners, getting in their way and waving a large Bible in their path.

So, you got indignant about your message. So, you felt the power of God move you. So… you proceeded to deck passer-by joggers (running for charity no less) with the Old Testament side of your Bible?! Dude, this is not called in seminary “effective witnessing.”

Just tell me you used a perfunctory Amplified version. You know, something that doesn’t chafe in the cold of winter like a Dakes, a petrified Family Bible or one of those NAB Catholic Bibles that weigh close to the size of a small toddler.

Etiquette, dude.


Meet Rev. Michael Dowd.

This is an ordained, licensed minister. One who evidently – by default, no less – believes Jesus Christ rose from the dead and sits at the right hand of the Father. You know, all that “saved and sanctified Christian” mumbo-jumbo.

So, odd that THIS GUY is the same tool who believes – and I quote: one who believes that spreading the word of Darwin is vital to the health of Christianity.

Sorry? How? Is this like that same demented sense of surreality the Church of Satan uses when it claims, “Satan is the best friend the Church has ever had because he has kept it in business all these years.” Let’s see if he is really that kind of a dolt. Mikey?

“God didn’t stop revealing truths vital to human well-being back when people believed the world was flat and religious insights were recorded on animal skin,” Dowd said. “God is still revealing today through the worldwide, self-correcting scientific process.

an-unbiblical-truth“Self-correcting”?! You mean, as in that whole biblical declaration of the secret Christians motley crew known as an ichthus actually becoming a real, gill-breathing fish that eventually walks on land, then upright, then grows the ability to reason and have kids? Like that? Noting your cheeky book cover, I would say that’s correct.

So, come on. What’s the real reason for this compromise of theology, chronology and marine biology?

“As long as people think they can praise God and trash the environment or treat others in a disrespectful way, they’re out of touch with reality.”

Ah, there’s the rub. So, Rev. Is your next message going to be at Greenpeace? Al Gore’s next hubbub?

Listen, I get it. The environment’s stability and well-being is crucial to our own, you know, stability and well-being. In six days, God created this thingy we call Earth, and he gave us dominion over it. I know, but there’s a catch: mankind no longer feels the need to carry out that dominion. I guess it’s been watching “The Lion King” and hearing “The Circle of Life” humming in their ears too long. Regardless the cause, its effect is littering, burning toxins and treating our atmosphere like some used bedsheet at a sleazy motel.

But no matter how egregious that gets and how swooned you are by all the “inconvenient truths” in the world, you cannot sell out your incontrovertible truth in the Lord just because you don’t breathe as well in NYC as you would in Billings, Montana.

It’s bad enough we ar so uber-PC, we have an eco-Bible on the market. But hey, maybe there’s a reason they call the mountains “God’s Country.” Either way and either location, your tail needs to get back in church.

Graham… chocolate… S’mores… is this thing on?

OK, OK, so the headline was a tad sparse and a bit of a stretch, but really, she’s a GRAHAM. As in, you know, this dude?

So, it’s a teensy bit strange you find the third of his kids angling for a familiar line of work – ministering the Gospel and creating another ministry touting the old man’s name, according to the Fort Wayne Journal Gazette.

Evidently, her focus for ministry is speaking out for those who won’t speak on the “unspoken issues” plaguing the Church today like a child’s teen pregnancy, drug use and eating disorders, infidelity and suffering through a loser spouse’s “rebound marriage.” And from the story:

These low points eventually led her in 2004 to form a ministry, Ruth Graham & Friends, that helps others address problems that she said are too often ignored in the Christian community. “Once we’re in the church, we pretend all the sinners are on the outside. We want to keep the rules, and when we can’t, we become shameful and pretend we have it all together,” Graham said in an interview. “The world is tired of plastic Christians,” she said. “I was tired of being a plastic Christian. I told everybody I had it all together, and I was falling apart. And I was scared to death to tell somebody.”

No woman, no cry.

The Grahams: No woman, no cry.

Nice, nice and again I say, nice!

Aside from a casual read-over on a biography of the grand Billy Graham, I have never heard of the third of his kiddos. And now I know why. Amazing how a skilled public relations team can keep issues like this out of the ire of a sneering press and few psychotic ne’er-do-wells who loathe God.

But with snappy, transparent quotes like that, who needs ’em?!

That was beautiful! Forget the pews… the pulpits are chock-full-o’ Barbie & Kens and it’s because of THEM hurting and scorned sheep can’t locate safety and solace in the arms of a neighborhood church for fear of being judged and marked for jokes and condemnatory fingers.

It’s shameful that a ministry like this is necessary, but it’s also about time. Oh sure, your church and mine has its local, congenial ministries but nothing carrying this kind of name power dealing with those sins bustled in the closet in quite some time.

Here’s to hoping she keeps bashing those thunder sticks together to scare the roaches out from under the rocks instead of creating another speaking opportunity for rather noteworthy brother. Ruthie, you go girl! Just go fast… the Church needs you.