Archive for October 7, 2008

First, there were car washes. Next, bake sales. Then, witnessing at the mall. Now, in a long, humdrum line of failed church marketing tactics comes this story from Boston that’s sure to warm the heart and stink up the Church.

Beginning this week, the Pilgrim Congregational Church in North Weymouth, Mass. will offer its exclusive “Woof & Worship” services.

“The idea came to me as I was sitting reading the Bible with my two dogs at my feet,” said the Rev. Rachel Bickford. “Psalm 150 says, ‘Praise the Lord, let everything that breathes, praise the Lord.’ And Psalm 148 reads, ‘Let all wild animals, creeping things and flying birds give God praise.’ “So I thought wouldn’t it be a wonderful thing to let all things praise God together and have families bring their dogs to church.”

While that makes me all warm and fuzzy… oh wait, that’s what I just stepped in on my way to the altar for prayer! Listen, I love my puppy too but seriously?! I have a hard enough time getting her to shut up when my parents come over. Now imagine the poor thing clamoring for prayer. Or better yet, what if she gets baptized in the Holy Ghost? She’ll never shut up!

“This was something I had prayed about and thought about,” Bickford said of opening services to dogs. “Dogs bring such hope in a world where we’re surrounded by such hopelessness. As I’ve gone through my ministry, I’ve noticed how dogs change people’s lives. Studies show they can lower blood pressure. . . . And I thought it would be just so much fun.

And the first act of holiness and outreach in Rev’s youth group: turning on the DVD and playing “All Dogs go to Heaven.”

Oh save the moans… I could have said, “Lassie, come home.” Oh! Better yet, the next time the church mother in that church catches a blessing, dub her “Old Yeller.” And then, of course, there is the animated portion of the weekly message: some poor deacon lets loose a cat in service to personify the temptation of sin. Quick, someone call PETA!

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Yeah, uh, good luck with that one

Yeah, uh, good luck with that one

Just another reason to determine that Hollywood’s favorite “religion” is actually a man-made cult that extols the power of a mind over any semblance of faith is this vagarious story from OK! magazine.

I know, I know. Not really a citadel for printed righteousness. Just work with me here…

The UK’s Sunday Mirror says that the singer told friends she was called by a member of the Church of Scientology’s celebrity center in L.A., offering to work with her to get her life together.

If you are saved, the Holy Spirit led you to his presence through peace, his word and the grace of knowing your sins are forgiven. Scientology on the other hand? Ron Hubbard may have written the tasking himself because you have a staff flunkie who spends all day trolling these rags looking for the next voluble celebrity on the verge of a breakdown.

Well, good on ya’ Witling Wonder Boy. You found a doozie here – one so high that going to her concert makes you gain 15 pounds thanks to the munchies and an adoring hubby who has a lovely chateau in prison for popping pills like I do Starburst on an evening binge.

She’s in need of a blessing and a saving all right. However, that deliverance equates more humanism and getting transported into warp speed for Theology 101 is not how she will get it. Stick around. You’ll see. Next up, Kabbalah. And you have seen how well that did for Madonna, eh?

This nation can provide religious freedoms to Hindus, Buddhists, Muslims and Satanists, but the very moment Christians get a leg up on the competition… all hell breaks loose and people get sue crazy! Case in point: the following story…

Now, the ire of atheists are zeroed in (wait for it) the President of the United States and the subject of the law suit is on (yeah, again) the National Day of Prayer.

The nitwits in question – the Freedom of Religion Foundation  – filed suit recently claiming the president’s call to Americans to pray “violates the constitutional ban on government officials promoting religion.

The lawsuit says the Day of Prayer creates a “hostile environment for non-believers who are made to feel as if they are political outsiders.”

Aw, well, b-o-o h-o-o. Let me get you a tissue. The hatred of the ACLU, ultra mind-warping liberals and… oh yeah… HOLLYWOOD has its own mission to make Christians feel like the bastard children at a family reunion, but you don’t hear us screaming and wailing for mommy, do you? Of course not, because we are used to taking our lumps. Why can’t you?

Besides, since when does prayer constituted religion? I thought it just promoted faith.

All of the aforementioned religions use prayer to communicate with their God, so why not sue them? Go after the Buddhists for their mala beads. Swipe the prayer rug right out from under those pesky Muslims. Codify the mantra from those cow-lovin’ Hindus. And as for those Satanists and their prayers? Well, I’m sure there is a coven up to something illegal you can muster up on a legal writ pad.

Until then, I’ll be using my national day of prayer believing your law suit ends up with as much mud on its face as some of those trophy wives in their high-tone spas.