Archive for September 19, 2008

I have known many pastors, worked with many more in my day, and I know one irrefutable fact – churches dwindle during the summer months.

Sometimes it’s vacation holiday. Other times it’s flat-out lethargy. Whatever it is, pastors have economic anxiety. In order to combat the summer blues, pastors get every trusted source they can around a table – or a phone – and determine ways to pique interest in the community.

Ideas have been concocted for like advertising ingenue, marketing moxie and grassroots genius. This is NOT one of those times. How can I say this gingerly? Ah, what the hell… here it is verbatim from FOX News.

A Pennsylvania couple is fighting to maintain a church they run from a Huntingdon Township home, which officials say is really a raunchy swingers club where single men have to pay for access but women come for free.

John and Kim Ondrik say they worship nature at the Church for Spiritual Humanism. But midnight mass at the Spiritual Palace is on hold as the Rev. John and his wife fight for a variance to continue practicing their religion in a residential area just outside of Pittsburgh.

And of course by saying they worship nature, they mean getting butt-naked in a pseudo Garden of Eden. That’s close enough to scripture, right?

What twits! And you know if I was a pastor of a uh, church, I would want this kind of uh, member to speak out on my behalf. Take it away, “Dave,” a self-described swinger who paid money to get into this churcher, club:

“You didn’t get in without paying money. If you didn’t pay your money you were going back out the door.” Dave has offered to testify for the township in opposition to Ondrik’s attempt to secure a variance. “At first I was a little amused, but then when I saw him bring in religion and all the lies I saw him conjuring up, it pissed me off,” said Dave.

Hey Dave. You mean to tell me when you heard all that screaming from the back room of “OH GOD,” that wasn’t the first clue a deity could have been mentioned?! You sir, deserve better. Next time you fancy some swinging bacchanalia and free love, get baked and throw in a DVD of Woodstock. However, if you walk into a place that says “CHURCH” on the door, plan on being interrupted with your illegal and immoral activity.

Worst. Church. Ever.

Bible Park USA.

Well, well, it sure has been a long saga with plenty of pause in-between. Let’s recap this ironic journey through the desert (in Nashville, but what’s the big deal over geography anyway).

  1. Bible Park USA finds a home in the bursting metropolis of Murfreesboro, Tenn., but it seemed there was also a great rainforest to protect there as well. Maybe that was outside the Jack Daniels distillery. News at 11.
  2. One of the main investors in this CHRISTIAN THEME PARK was a photographer for Penthouse. Nothing smacks of Jesus like a great testimony. Well, doesn’t it? Anybody?
  3. The exodus of God’s people (at least the wannabe staff of BPUSA) splits Murfreesboro en route across some puddle on the highway to the next county of Wilson to the ironic city of Lebanon. Hmmm, maybe they can build a treehouse in a bunch of cedars. You know, endear yourself to the locals.

And now, we have this story from the Christian Post: the $175 million Bible-themed park has a permanent home despite protest, people or even Penthouse. The city known for another god in the Middle East will become the “MECCA” of Christian entertainment. (WOW, Somebody stop me!)

The “edutainment” theme park that boasts a mixed offering of education and entertainment through visual exhibits of Bible stories from both the Old and New Testaments will be located 30 minutes from downtown Nashville.

Some of the featured attractions will include a Bible Land Fly-Through indoor ride, an indoor Exodus Experience featuring the parting of the Red Sea with high-tech standing 25-foot waves and image projection, recording studios for church choirs and a recreation of Noah’s Ark, according to Bible Park USA’s Web site.

Just one thing: That uh, “Exodus Experience“. Let’s just make sure the line to get on the ride doesn’t last 40 days. If so, you may get some nasty reviews and no repeat guests. I’m just sayin’.