Archive for September 12, 2008

When all other deifications fail...

When all other deification fails...

Welcome to the 2008 election: Barack Obama vs. Sarah Palin. No? Could have fooled me.

I suppose John McCain has been kicking it with Cindy in the Phoenix hills since no one cares that he is running for office anymore. And Biden who? Before I continue, riddle me this: Since when did a presidential candidate have to compete with a VICE-presidential candidate anyway to win the White House?!

I suppose this election is historic in so many ways… so here’s another olfactory-numbing turd for our electoral process, as reported by FOX News.

Tennessee Rep. Steve Cohen riled Republicans Wednesday after he compared Barack Obama to Jesus Christ and suggested Sarah Palin is akin to Pontius Pilate… “If you want change, you want the Democratic Party,” Cohen said. “Barack Obama was a community organizer like Jesus, who our minister prayed about. Pontius Pilate was a governor.”

COUGH… sorry… COUGH, I just swallowed my gum.

Are you serious?! In case both parties haven’t gone completely stark raving mad, this is an election for president not the Crucifixion! The hyperbolic anecdotes to try to woo the evangelical vote has faded far away, Representative Cohen… you know, kinda like your hairline. In other words, shut the eff up!

This is sickening, really. It’s bad enough the media hasn’t talked about John McCain outside of a Gallup poll in two weeks, but this is not a co-ed version of American Gladiators. Gov. Palin is not about to jump into a pool of fire and risk running her makeup just to throttle Barack Obama’s behind in the “eliminator.” Hulk Hogan is not a guest pundit on either of these ridiculous networks. And if Titan gets a cabinet seat, I’m so moving out of here. Cut it out already.

Can we please get back to the issues? Doesn’t anyone care about the economy or the environment anymore? The war? Anyone? Because if I have to endure much more of this, HiScrivener is just going to march to Capitol Hill and start shouting for Barabbas.

Now, THAT’S a Biblical analogy you don’t hear everyday. Go me.

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DATELINE: July 13, 2008. The Wall.

STORY: Former lead singer of Foreigner gets saved and knocks out a Christian Rock album

What’s today again? Oh yeah… ALMOST TWO MONTHS LATER, and that story finally gets some ink. Good to know the coloratura “Jukebox Hero” is still relevant. Call it prowess to sniff out the sanctimony in a story. Call it having awesome Google alerts. Call it a never-ending affinity for the totally tubular 80s.

Whatever you call it, make sure you call it sibylline because HiScrivener called it. And here’s the story from the bustling metropolis of Flint, Michigan. Rock out, Lou Gramm.

“Myself and the band [made up of two of his own brothers!] are really enjoying it. Although the lyric content is a little different than (the Foreigner hit) ‘Hot Blooded,’ I think these songs have a lot of meaning to the normal person. I think it rocks real hard.” …Gramm explained that more thought went into the lyrics for the new album than his previous works because he wanted to “make sure if it wasn’t praising God, then it was certainly talking about how he can change you.”

So, if it took the media two months to figure out that a former contralto stud is breaking into a brand spanking new format, how long will it take the usual “tortoise catching up to the hare” Christian radio stations to play Gramm’s music?

Maybe, by that time, the real 80s Christian bands like Petra, Stryper and even Bruce Cockburn (unfortunate last name alert) will be out of rotation to make room for Mr. “Cold as Ice”. We can only hope now, can’t we. In the meantime, where’s my iPod?!

Hopefully, he is heading in the right direction

Hopefully, he is heading in the right direction

God must really be moving during Michael Guglielmucci’s therapy lessons, because after the latest story that has come out on the ugly Guglielmucci saga, he must be thanking the Lord at the top of his cancer-ravaged lungs.

Oh wait… ah, nevermind.You’ve heard that one before.

AdelaideNow in Australia breaks another one: “Porn Pastor Unlikely to Face Charges”

But police say the former pentecostal preacher, who performed his hit song Healer with an oxygen tube in his nose, may not face further investigations. Detective Superintendent Jim Jeffery said police were finalizing their investigations. “Unless further information comes to light or people that may have been affected by Mr Guglielmucci action’s come forward, no further police investigations are likely,” he said.

I think Mikey can thank not only God, but also his parents for that one. They have been in front of the media accepting the terrible reality of their son battling a 16-year addiction to pornography and who tried to pay for it all with two years of lying his tail off (to the entire world no less, in song) that he had cancer and needed some cash for medical bills.

Poor, dear people.

And now, because of their transparent and forthright efforts alone – all the money that came in, is going back out; all the notoriety that was lauded, is being left behind; all the singing that has occurred, has been silenced. They don’t need any more pain. Their son has done enough to last them a while already.

So now Michael Guglielmucci is all alone, with his addictions, his guilt and his therapist. Hopefully, he can find time on his busy schedule for his God as well. Because believe me, the true “Healer” would like to have a Word with Mikey.

Now he did it, and it doesn’t seem there is enough uh, “lipstick to put on this pig” either.

At least, not after the closed-minded and rambunctious red states get a hold of this blunder from the righteous candidate (anyone hear “Handel’s Messiah” or was that just me?).

Anyone get this story?

No, you wouldn’t have seen it on the news. You actually have to read to find anything scathing on the Democratic candidate for president. Even if it was a cerebral flatulent moment, Barack Hussein Obama has to once again stave off a deluge of rumors that his name IS IN FACT his religion of choice.

Thanks to none other than, well… Barack Hussein Obama, and this story from FOX News (by way of ABC):

Asked about whether McCain himself has done anything to suggest he’s Muslim, Obama said, “Let’s not play games. What I was suggesting — you’re absolutely right that John McCain has not talked about my Muslim faith. And you’re absolutely right that that has not come…”

“Christian faith,” Stephanopoulos interrupted, correcting Obama [of course he did!].

“… my Christian faith. Well, what I’m saying is that he hasn’t suggested that I’m a Muslim. And I think that his campaign’s upper echelons have not, either. What I think is fair to say is that, coming out of the Republican camp, there have been efforts to suggest that perhaps I’m not who I say I am when it comes to my faith, something which I find deeply offensive, and that has been going on for a pretty long time,” Obama said.

And now, big mouth, it will go on even longer.

Namely after all the fluid vitriol the recent Republican Veep has had to endure from your cronies. Look, it may have getting your message pointser, thoughts crossed. But the ones that share the same vile for you that you seem to share for Sarah Paliner, John McCain will think you just made a colossal Freudian slip. And that is cause enough to make you wet your own bed (a little psychology humor for the MDs out there).

Dems everywhere, get ready to set your spam blockers to STUN because this visceral emotion is about to shock the turban right off his precious head.

Oh come on! That’s not mean nor insensitive, you delicate disciples. Blame Sherrie Keys, founder and president of the newest music label to take the Kingdom of God by storm – CHUBBY GIRLS RECORDS.

The primary focus of the label is gospel music. Gospel music is one of the few genres where physical appearance takes a backseat to good old-fashioned singing. According to Sherrie Keys, CEO and President: “The beauty of the cross is the focus of gospel music. People who hunger for God’s presence really don’t consider a singer’s image as part of gospel music’s appeal.”

She’s right you know. Ever seen a Gospel concert? Check out the width of talent of the anointed (and fabulous) Pace sisters. Or the hefty-vocalized Alvin Slaughter. And what about the rotundly-talented “Happy Goodmans” (who looks like that name stuck because of their joy the buffet line was about to open).

All are hall-of-famers in Gospel music. All can sing a hole in the Wall. And yes, all have the um, mass to back it up.

You name them in Gospel (Southern or any other geographically-winsome location), and odds are they were folk of some heft. So, Sherrie Keys decides to call a spade… a brimming, corpulent spade.

Keys believes gospel music marketing offers a compelling and unique opportunity to positively influence the way plus-size women view their bodies. A gospel music collaboration with a fashion-forward plus-size artist represents both a new retail offering for Christian music lovers and a breakthrough business model for the plus-size industry.

Genius.

What’s next for Christian music? BBW rock stars? Curves invades a Christian rave? A holy hip-hop artist named Fat Albert takes the world by storm? Whatever the “weighty” issue, all I know is when these women come to your church to perform, that honorarium better include a gift card to Luby’s or Ms. Keys may have to run you over… without her car.