Archive for August, 2008

Meet Levi Zachariah Humphrey – birthday boy, belligerent drunk and blessed savior of the known universe.

Evidently, Jesus likes to party because he was arrested while sitting butt-naked throwing a temper tantrum just off shore of the Pacific Ocean. No, really!

Cpl. Michael Kovar called out to the man, who was sitting in shallow water about 100 feet away from the bridge, but he refused to go to shore and appeared intoxicated, screaming at himself and splashing, according to arrest reports. Kovar headed out in the boat and plucked him from the water. The man repeatedly refused to disclose his name. Kovar handcuffed him for safety reasons and the man spit on the boat. When Kovar told him to stop, he spit in Kovar’s face, so the corporal turned him away from him as they headed to shore. After more prompting, Humphrey relented and said he was Jesus Christ.

Stay classy, Mr. Messiah… er, Humphrey.

Evidently, the judge on this case needs a little church’n up too:

The judge gave him some advice about swimming while drunk and naked. “Get a cape next time,” Baker said. “It was humorous in a way, but you could have drowned.”

Unless Superman had a flotation device around his back that in case of emergency, he could pull a string and out pops a squeaky ducky head – what Jesus movie is this cat watching where the King of Kings had a flippin’ cape?! I need to go back to my study Bible for this one.

Sing it, everybody… “If you’re happy and you know it, don’t do a thing.”

If that camp song was written like this, it just wouldn’t have the same ring to it in Sunday school. Christians are supposed to be thrilled they are going to heaven, Jesus is alive and all sins are forgiven. You know, basic dogmatic tenet stuff.

So when the crumudgeons of Crown Point, Indiana have been lambasting 911 with calls of noise complaints and demands shut it down… speaking of a tent revival… one of two things happened:

  1. Either these Christians are REALLY and unexpectedly happy about those tenets;
  2. Or the people of this rural town are really the Children of the Corn and already have their one way ticket to a more balmy climate

Police Chief Pete Land says his department has issued 10 citations to the church between July 31 and Aug. 10. One neighbor told a packed city council meeting Monday night that she has to turn on the air conditioning, the washer, dryer and a fan to drown out the noise.

Well, that’s sweet. They got the permit to have a tent revival, but once they got ‘revived’, all bets were off. Good thing this wasn’t a Todd Bentley crusade, they would have called in the National Guard and really got to snapping.

First, it was Obama and his former raucous preacher. Then, it was Obama and his Christian revisionism. Next, Obama showed a few cracks in the faith-based foundation. Finally, it was Obama falling off the ‘saddle’.

It seems the closer he got to evangelicals, the more she showed his amazing technicolored dreamcoat.

Last night’s historic speech was 45 minutes of hope, aspiration, pomp, circumstance and uh, NO MENTION OF FAITH!

Where did all that focus for faith-filled voters go? What happened to bringing up antecdotes of church, state and the scriptures?

Oh sure, you bring up a failed sitcom with your kitschy line, “Eight is enough” (rim shot can be inferred) and told America to not turn back, but it seems that you turned your own back on the Church without even giving a shout out.

Wassup wit’ that?

Now, now Wall Watchers, Obama did use to verses of Holy Writ as some palliated bookends, but Christianity Today does a much better job of exposing that subterfuge. So he’s still a lil’ holy, right?

You can’t expect him to proselytize ad-nauseum last night – a brother’s got to guard his donations after all. However, while you are skirting the issues on everything else that matters – energy, economy, military, health, et al – it may have been nice to discuss briefly how faith-based organizations could find a fit on the “Yes we can” ticket.

Because now that it appears you gave up “the Sermon on the Mount” for “a Mountaintop experience” in Denver,  you have some church folk thinking when it comes to voting for you, “Um, no we can’t.”

Oh no. What now?

I hope Victoria didn’t fly coach and a melee broke out when the peanuts were a little too salty. Maybe the Osteens pet poodle got a sperse overfluffed with the humidity back in the fuelisage baggage area. Thankfully, nothing like that.

No, televangelist fans. Joel got Jury Duty!

“It’s very ironic, and that’s what everybody’s kidding me about, saying ‘Haven’t you had enough of this place?'” Joel Osteen said.

Nice. Thanks to the story in the Houston Chronicle, we learn good ol’ Juror #35 was being interviewed for the panel to hear a caretaker accused of injuring a disabled person.

You know, many people accuse Joel of milquetoast ministry and pukey pablum, but at least he keeps it real.

Osteen said he was like the 59 other prospective jurors — happy to do his civic duty, but hoping he wasn’t selected. He wasn’t.

At least he admitted it. Maybe Joel slid over to the other side of the table to give the elderly lady his book, “Your Best Life Now.” In case she wins the law suit, I’m sure she’ll be interested in all that.

Once again, a well-meaning Christian creates an inauspicious product for purchase in hopes of second-hand witnessing and ends up hurling more hilarity at the Church and the thoughts of us not having any original thoughts.

CHRIST-mas is coming, so get ready saints… It’s Guitar Hero for Christians!

I suppose Heartland Christians, concerned Pentecostals and Bible-totin’ folk alike have issues with going to Toys R Us enabling their kids to rock out to the likes of “Guns N’ Roses,” “Iron Maiden,” and “Black Sabbath” – all bands not knowing for spewing evangelism for an encore.

To that end, Guitar Praise was invented. Kids, get those nimble fingers ready for the power chords you all love from Paul Baloche, Petra and Jennifer Knapp.

Can’t you hear the collective sighs?

Unfortunately XBOX and PS3 fans, Digital Praise is only being introduced for Mac OS X and Windows Vista and XP right now.

Ah well, I guess parents will have to risk their children “Shouting at the Devil” until this company sees fit to help Christian families to pray while they play. Rock on, saints!