Archive for June 24, 2008

2008 has been an humdinger for political news.

What’s entertaining for the Church is WE (Wall Watchers) are in the center of most of the headlines. So many items, so little space. But suffice to say, HiScrivener will scour search engines for all the news about politics, how it affects the Church and what it says to us.

Ladies and gentlemen, Wall Watchers everywhere, may I present M.O.V.E. 2008

In other words, “McCain & Obama Vie for Evangelicals in 2008.” I know, stick to your day job. Anywhoo.

We began MOVE 2008 with “Obama’s Jesus O’rama” but it seems the floodgates have broke and these candidates will do anything to get their strategic spin doctorized… er, candid, heartfelt comments in front of the Church.

Let’s pick up with this story posted in Jake Tapper’s “Political Punch” of ABC News notoriety (and one of my personal faves). Evidently, there’s another scriptural faux pas as Barack Obama has seemed to find a way on Dr. James Dobson’s evangelical and political dander.

And even if we did have only Christians in our midst, if we expelled every non-Christian from the United States of America, whose Christianity would we teach in the schools?” Obama asked. “Would we go with James Dobson’s, or Al Sharpton’s? Which passages of Scripture should guide our public policy? Should we go with Leviticus, which suggests slavery is ok and that eating shellfish is abomination? How about Deuteronomy, which suggests stoning your child if he strays from the faith? Or should we just stick to the Sermon on the Mount – a passage that is so radical that it’s doubtful that our own Defense Department would survive its application? So before we get carried away, let’s read our bibles. Folks haven’t been reading their bibles.

Although Obama is correct about the antiquity of the Old Testament, don’t be fooled by the words. What makes the Bible infallible is there are ageless principles behind every allegory and parable.

For example, “shellfish is an abomination.” Actually, Moses said it was unclean. There wasn’t Pepto Bismol back then, Barack. So to eat tons of shrimp, which eat what fish EAT (you know what I’m sayin’), may upset the tummy of your friendly Israelite.

Today, not to heed our diet and pay attention to what we put in our mouth… and what (enter your hunted and edible indulgence here) puts in its mouth is lunacy. Ask Muslims about pigs and you’ll see what I mean. Oh wait… nevermind.

Despite that, what’s this buffoonery about the Sermon on the Mount? So, all this crap about passivity, loving your neighbor, prayer and not being judgmental just isn’t with your party’s ideology, eh?

You’re a democrat, right? Fighting for civil rights, judging no one for acts, looks or behavior and oh yeah, STOPPING WAR (as in Iraq)? None of that sounds like anything you have espousing lately? Man, I need to check the tape.

You’re right, just radical. Shivering, ain’t it? Nitwit.

Well, since you and McCain are looking for doorsteps to any church or preacher who will listen, let’s touch on something else that dreaded mountaintop message discusses (and something all Wall Watchers should note):

Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. (Matthew 7:15)

Both of you, pay attention. There is nothing worse than someone who can only recite the Lord’s Prayer telling a TRUE Christian about Jesus. That’s like these 400 lb. armchair quarterbacks discussing effective play calling with anyone whose last name is MANNING.

It’s offensive, and not that bright. Unfortunately, people voting this year are so hungry for inspiration and hope, they’ll follow like sheep to slaughter to hear anyone quoting something from a book known for just that… inspiration and hope.

If you consider yourself a Christian, read between the lines… and vote on the issues. Those are what will affect your pocketbook and family. Not a folding chair on either side of the political aisle.

Let’s MOVE ON! If you find any news for this series, shout.

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You read that correctly. According to this recent study by the Pew Forum (and reported by FOX News), Americans believe (by and large) faith in Jesus Christ is NOT the only way to get to heaven.

Seriously?! So, all this pablum and psychobabble that has been shared for generations, caused more wars than oil ever could, created the largest sweeping movement of any ideology known to mankind and has, uh you know, been fairly popular throughout the world… is just an “Aw, Shucks” moment?!

MEMO to the “cereal folk” Pew Forum interviewed (that’s ‘fruits, nuts & flakes’ for those of you consulting your thesaurus): If Jesus Christ died for another way to get to heaven, what do you think that would be? Walking old ladies across Times Square? Baking cookies for the elderly? Visiting children’s hospitals? Maybe helping a Boy Scout dig a trench for his coveted Eagle badge project?

Although all of those are admirable and real sweet tasks, they are sheer foppery outside of the atoning work of Jesus, acceptance that it was done with YOU in mind and that – to use a nice saying I read once – “NO MAN comes to the Father accept BY ME” (John 14:6). And despite how cool you think you may be, that’s applies to you too.

Look here, all of you polled looking to take a detour on the Highway to heaven, pull over, throw your private GPS system out the window and consult the only map there is on this fateful trip.

  1. “Not everyone who says ‘Lord, Lord’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven” (Matthew 7:21). Just because you talk to that old lady walking across the street about God does not ensure you will get to meet God if some car runs that red light and smacks you both. Remember that time you were scared and you had the, “God, it’s me and I need help” prayer? Yeah, not even those mean a thing outside of belief in God’s SON any why you are praying in the first place.
  2. “Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned” (Mark 16:16). Yes, you say you believe in God. But does your belief include God’s son too? Jesus Christ and God Almighty is a dynamic duo that can’t be separated. Batman & Robin. Abbott & Costello. Ebony & Ivory. Lincoln & Kennedy. Laverne & Shirley. Pick your pair, it really doesn’t matter. They all pale in comparison to God and his only begotten son. So, next time you say you ‘believe in God,’ think about Jesus as well. Believe me, he’s listening.
  3. “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16). I know. You have seen this plastered on a tattered poster board at sporting events. So what! It actually means something. Basically, as you trek down the road to righteousness, EVERYBODY should make a pitstop to consider accepting Jesus Christ in their life… and, here’s the kicker… LIVE LIKE IT! No, he’s not looking for perfection, not even close. He just wants an effort to live according the guidelines found in the Bible. They work. And no, you don’t have become Amish to ascribe to Christianity. But you may have to get rid of those Daisy Dukes. Geesh!

Listen, if you don’t want such a simple faith, then walk away. It’s your choice. With Christianity, it’s really God’s way or NO WAY.

If you don’t like it, be a Hindu and come back to earth as a backpack, a fish or even that drudge I just stepped on in this coffee shop.

Into a great suntan and hot weather? Satanism may rock your world.

Perhaps you fancy a more cosmic, Matrix sense reality of eternity? Then grab your beads and light that olfactory-sense-numbing incense because Buddhism rebirth is more your style.

It doesn’t matter, but take Christianity and what Jesus did on the cross at face value. THAT is the only way to heaven, and it’s as easy as ABC.

  • A – Acceptance of who you really are. You got issues, big gnarly issues. Skeletons so tacky, if I opened your closet, I would surely get poked in seconds by a bone of some sort. In short, you are a sinner and need help.
  • B – Believe Jesus actually did everything for YOU. He came to earth, grew up and became a man that would lead the world with an undying revolution of relationship with God and reality in heaven.
  • C – Confess Jesus Christ as the LORD of your life. That’s right, it’s HIS WAY OR NO WAY. If Jesus ain’t down with it, you don’t do it. How do you know? Read the Bible. Ask questions. Do research. And oh yeah, PRAY! That’s where a relationship begins with Christ.

You know, those perfunctory letters remind me of another saying, “Whoever calls upon the name of the Lord shall be saved” (Romans 10:13). Just do it. Ask him to help you out. Not just when someone you know is sick, you can’t pay rent and you’re hugging the bowl because of the last party you visited (and yes, God knows that won’t be your LAST TIME drinking.) Just do it.

You know, maybe the poll served a purpose after all. The path to heaven IS INDEED as straight as I think. I pray you do as well.

Now… back to the news.

God busted for selling cocaine

Posted: June 24, 2008 in Good for a Giggle
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Humpty Dumpty \"Cracked\" his HeadYou may have heard the adage, “Art imitates life.” Remember this post on the Wall about the latest [COUGH] ‘religious artifact’ brought across the border? If that was ‘art’, this post is real life, regardless how surreal it seems.

Well, meet God. Seriously, it’s from United Press International.

“God” here was busted for selling nose candy near his own church in Tampa, Fla. I don’t know what’s funnier. That story, or his full name: God Lucky Howard.

What? Having God as a first name didn’t provide enough good fortune? The guy had to rock with “Lucky” as a middle name. Something tells me he is one trip to Vegas away from living at the Salvation Army.

Back to the story…

Question: Why use THAT name and do THIS stupid thing?

I understand some of the saints need to smoke herb for medicinal purposes, but what’s the excuse for using flake? Bursitis in your knees flaring up again? Just can’t get rid of that headache from your weekend bender?

Seriously, this dude has a true issue when he meets St. Peter at the pearly gates (should he make it that far). Can’t you see that dialogue?

Why should you enter through these gates?

Well, uh, Pete? Is it? I had a name you may be familiar with, and believe me, brother, I was all about spreading joy.

Yeah, don’t think that will pass for true salvation and repentance, Mr. G_d. Besides, how do you make up for the scale and 22 grams of Coke found in your bedroom? Spicing up on your metric system studies? Oy!