Get raptured to be in heaven… and online

Posted: June 10, 2008 in Denominational Fun, IJS, Networking, Snap, Crackle and POP Culture
Tags: ,

And you thought once the trumpet sounded and Jesus came barreling through the clouds on his mighty steed, your life on earth would be done as you know it.

Think again. Welcome to – the home of the raptured afterlife online.

We all have that rigid old uncle, friend that just didn’t get it in Sunday school or the family member that would soon rather join a coven than catch a good, meaty sermon with you because of the scorch marks still on his backside from that one church he went to long ago.

Well now, don’t fret. When you vanish like a fart in the wind, your e-mail will go out post haste to every unsaved and unsanctified person in your inbox to let them know:

“I know I haven’t been answering my cell phone lately, and there is a good reason for that. Eh, all that commotion you see on the news? Yeah, don’t worry about that… or that cute mark you got inked on your hand and forehead for groceries. You see, that burning sensation on your tail is actually the flames of hell. Happy trails. And oh, almost forgot, Jesus still loves you.” (paraphrased and presumed information)

Just a couple of pontifications and MEMOS to the makers of said Web site:

  1. If no man knows the date or the hour of Jesus’ return, how in the world can you calculate “six days post rapture”? Tea leaves? Nostradamus? Buffalo Bill Hawkins fan club?
  2. If this is a company ran solely by Christians, who is the poor schlep that volunteered to stay behind and send off the bulk e-mails to the damned? And just how much did you pay for that gig anyway?
  3. MEMO as a Word to the Wise. It costs $40 to send out these post-apocalyptic cyber love notes, and nowhere on the site is there mention of WHAT THE RAPTURE EVEN IS. My thought is if you are that concerned about your loved ones not joining you through the Golden Gates, buy them a card and hand deliver the Good News instead of getting robbed… er, suckered in… I mean, “caught up” in this mess. (Man, I slay me.)

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