Archive for June 10, 2008

And you thought once the trumpet sounded and Jesus came barreling through the clouds on his mighty steed, your life on earth would be done as you know it.

Think again. Welcome to – the home of the raptured afterlife online.

We all have that rigid old uncle, friend that just didn’t get it in Sunday school or the family member that would soon rather join a coven than catch a good, meaty sermon with you because of the scorch marks still on his backside from that one church he went to long ago.

Well now, don’t fret. When you vanish like a fart in the wind, your e-mail will go out post haste to every unsaved and unsanctified person in your inbox to let them know:

“I know I haven’t been answering my cell phone lately, and there is a good reason for that. Eh, all that commotion you see on the news? Yeah, don’t worry about that… or that cute mark you got inked on your hand and forehead for groceries. You see, that burning sensation on your tail is actually the flames of hell. Happy trails. And oh, almost forgot, Jesus still loves you.” (paraphrased and presumed information)

Just a couple of pontifications and MEMOS to the makers of said Web site:

  1. If no man knows the date or the hour of Jesus’ return, how in the world can you calculate “six days post rapture”? Tea leaves? Nostradamus? Buffalo Bill Hawkins fan club?
  2. If this is a company ran solely by Christians, who is the poor schlep that volunteered to stay behind and send off the bulk e-mails to the damned? And just how much did you pay for that gig anyway?
  3. MEMO as a Word to the Wise. It costs $40 to send out these post-apocalyptic cyber love notes, and nowhere on the site is there mention of WHAT THE RAPTURE EVEN IS. My thought is if you are that concerned about your loved ones not joining you through the Golden Gates, buy them a card and hand deliver the Good News instead of getting robbed… er, suckered in… I mean, “caught up” in this mess. (Man, I slay me.)

Here's looking at you, smart alecs

Chalk up yet another valid – and severly awkward – reason not to become Hindu.

Now, stay tuned ladies. Don’t be skeered. Kong has met the Dalai Lama AND got his smarts on.

In case you don’t have the time to jump to the story, an Indian business college has a pecuilar candidate selection for its chairman. His name is Lord Hanuman. Sounds official and important, eh? Well, settle your Dharma. Hanuman is a MONKEY GOD. Yeah, that’s right.

For all those students looking to better their business savvy in New Delhi, stick to your books because in-office direction from the Chair’s office could involve swinging from the chandeliers – literally. Oh, and eating bananas, sniffing each other’s booties and of course, slinging poo at the office secretary.

Good times ensues the student body for sure as Hanuamn’s inferiors report to him in an office full of incense and bamboo. And why not? You need something to cover that terrible odor. Have you been to the zoo lately? Lord have mercy! No wonder Kong went to the top of the Empire State Building. The fresh breeze up there probably did wonders for the funk his body was catching.

Ready, set, hut... in Jesus' nameI think this would be under “How NOT to get voted for president.” John McCain has an issue of biblical proportions… possibly. Have you heard that he allegedly gave BILLY GRAHAM the Heisman?

It’s in this news blurb from FOX News.

You know, if this was a novel news topic surrounding John McCain – the Democratic Party’s best reason to be Republican – most voters wouldn’t blink. But when you consider his own preacher issues over the past few months, this stinks to… well, high heaven.

Any preacher except this one. Come on’ McCain. Hasn’t Rush talked to you yet about members of the famed ‘religious right’ that should be a must for your ever-growing rolodex?

It’s official. Let the numbing and liquidation of Christianity begin.

The quick-thinking, always grapsing, never quitting creative team of now Democratic Presidential nominee, Barack Obama, has created “Operation Joshua Generation” designed exclusively to reach out to the body of Christ.

Get it? Joshua? The name is based on the biblical story of how Joshua’s generation led the Israelites into the Promised Land. Again, get it? Promised Land? The sarcosanct real estate in question would have large WHITE columns attached to a big WHITE HOUSE.

Obama’s cracked staff even went so far as to give David Brody, CBN’s senior correspondent, the exclusive. No, that’s not a typo. C-B-N, as in Pat Robertson’s network. They figure most politically-active faith-based folk watch him, as if his comments about Hurricane Katrina and Islam hasn’t shunned away most of them already.

At any rate, Obama’s rhetoric is in full swing unveiling this kitschy stunt… er, focused outreach. He has even gone so far to tie in Joshua’s steps around to Jericho to that of Martin Luther King, Jr.’s march across the Edmund Pettis Bridge en route to Montgomery:

“I’m here because somebody marched. I’m here because you all sacrificed for me. I stand on the shoulders of giants. I thank the Moses generation; but we’ve got to remember, now, that Joshua still had a job to do.”

As Brody reports, “The folks behind this believe in not only the mission of winning over faith voters to Obama but the larger mission of not ignoring faith voters when it comes to politics.” This may be true, but Wall Watchers, lest not you forget how this concerned candidate feels about other issues we keep close to the vest like abortion, civil liberties (NOT rights) and the divisive fuse ready to spark between church and state.

Nonetheless, to maintain my non-partisan (not to be confused with apolitical, which I certainly am not), kudos to Senator Obama for not believing the hype that all Christians care about is if their candidate du jour say ‘Jesus’ during a televised speech. Note the acclaimed popularity of our current President among the body of Christ and anyone will note that the Church cares a lot more about gas prices, the environment and political ethics than most think.