Take time to give thanks, not just take it.

How many times have you been to a restaurant and experienced bad service, bad food or worse, a bad waiter?

I know I’m the only unrighteous person in the mix, but let’s pretend. Now think back to how quick it took you to lose your religion and yawp for a manager to complain. Hear the harp music? See the memory?

Wall Watchers, it’s so easy to complain. It’s so hard to say thanks, which is why the Bible is full of ruminations and reminders about giving thanks. Take this one:

Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God (Philippians 4:4-6 NKJV).

Blessings take time to get to you, right? Well, the next time you have a good time at your local eatery or speak with a pleasant person on the phone, take time to thank them! This day is about giving thanks. It feels great when folk thank you. How hard is it to be mindful of which the things you are thankful, and make a godly request for others.

I thank God for each of you who have visited, subscribed, commented and linked to The Writing on the Wall. Much love and prayers for you and yours. Have a blessed Thanks-giving. We’ll be back to the news after the holy-day! Peace.

Oh, and thanks to the Skit Guys for this giggle.

more about “Take time to give thanks, not just ta…“, posted with vodpod

 

Billy Joe Daugherty (1952 – 2009)

Courtesy: Tulsa's NewsOn6.com

Wall Watchers who have been praying for Pastor Billy Joe Daugherty, and have commented on the previous post that broke the news about his battle with lymphoma cancer, it is with a sad heart but a hopeful spirit that I post this.

According to the Tulsa World, Pastor Daugherty died after 4:00 a.m. Sunday morning.

From his obituary in the column:

In addition to founding one of Tulsa’s largest churches, he was founder of Victory Christian School, Victory Bible Institute with about 900 campuses in 93 countries, and Victory World Missions Training Center which has sent 1000s of missionaries around the world.

His television show, Victory in Jesus, reached more than 100 million households in North America, in addition to satellite and internet distribution worldwide. He and his wife, Victory co-pastor Sharon Daugherty, have written more than a dozen books.

Daugherty was one of America’s best-known charismatic pastors, preaching an upbeat and sometimes controversial message that Jesus came to bring spiritual, emotional and physical healing, and blessing and prosperity to mankind. He regularly brought some of the top charismatic preachers in the world to Tulsa for Word Explosion, Victory’s annual summer conference.

In 2005, when Steven Wayne Rogers walked an aisle and hit Daugherty in the eye during an altar call, this pastor showed what it meant to stop preaching a sermon and start living one. People learned what compassion in action was all about when Daugherty visited this guy in jail and prayed for him – by himself, no cameras, no press release, no reason.

During that national imbroglio, I met the man behind the headlines while I was representing another client and never forgot his kind demeanor, his gentle spirit and his obvious exposure to Jesus Christ. Needless to say, he made an impression on me, as well as he did on the millions who supported and appreciated his ministry.

The Body of Christ lost a prince today, but rest assured he is with the King of Kings in paradise waiting for the rest of us. Billy Joe Daugherty will be missed but his legacy will live on in Tulsa, and in the hearts of those who had the pleasure to meet and know him.

He is survived by his wife Sharon and their children John, Paul, Sarah and Ruthie.

Peace.

Cross Eyed: Wii Worship the Lord

This week in video evangelism is what could easily become a big hit for gaming in the Vatican (courtesy of my new fave site, CollegeHumor.com).

Imagine, Pope Benedict getting his Wii on with the new “Mass We Pray” game. It’s complete with the cross controller and the kneeler for that anaerobic workout you have been craving.

Christ-followers, namely you Catholics on the Wall, be warned. It’s a Christian game, so there’s always the possibility the next person to log on live may be the big gamer in the sky.

Leeeeeeeeeeeeet’s get ready to stuuuuuumble!

more about “Cross Eyed: Wii Worship the Lord“, posted with vodpod

 

The Q Dog of 2012 has a bark far worse than its bite

Well, be warned about wasting $10 to see this film.

Man, my fraternal juices were flowing when I saw this movie and knew this post was coming (shout out to my Ice Cold brothers of Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity, Inc.).

Why? Because I get to harangue a Q-Dog. No, no, not the “Atomic Dog” brothers but rather Quetzalcoatl - the triune man, dog and lizard of the Mayans who is supposed to return to earth and create his “Age of Transition” on December 21, 2012. Yawn.

Apparently, director Roland Emmerich has decided this calendar snafu was yet another excuse to destroy the world.

You see, I’ve seen most of his post-apocalyptic flicks and whether his tool for global carnage has been a radioactive iguana (“Godzilla“), global warming gone terribly awry (“The Day After Tomorrow“) or hacked-off aliens (“Independence Day“), the scripts usually blow about as bad as a drunk in a breathalyzer test.

This – fancy effects and a cacophony of explosions aside – was no exception at all.

You would think with the star power this movie had, a decent script could have been in order. Danny Glover was the president, John Cusack was our hero and Woody Harrelson even makes a cameo as a radio host with the Mayan calendar on his studio wall.

But, not so much as seen by the one obvious sci-fi nerd who left the movie early in a flurry of disgust and cussing in Klingon, or something like that.

I had to stick it out. This 2.5 hour movie feels more like 6.5, and a brother had to pee. Can I say that?

So why the commitment? I heard the kerfuffle about Emmerich deciding to destroy every Christian faith-based artifact in the world and wanted to see that for myself. St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome and the Christ the Redeemer statue in Rio de Janeiro were the first to go. Even a gaggle of priests gets smothered.

Poor St. Peter’s Basilica. First, the anti-matter bomb in “Angels & Demons” and now this disaster. Why do producers find Christians such an easy tag for their angst? And then it dawned on me… there’s nothing of Judaic, Hindu, Buddhist or Muslim relic being obliterated here. Why not?

(Spoiler alert) Even that cute Buddhist monk survives the flood over the Himalayas, but a priest can’t get any love!

Then I discovered why the protection over other relics, specifically Muslim. Fear.

“Well, I wanted to do that, I have to admit,” Emmerich says. “But my co-writer Harald said I will not have a fatwa on my head because of a movie. And he was right. … We have to all … in the Western world … think about this. You can actually … let … Christian symbols fall apart, but if you would do this with [an] Arab symbol, you would have … a fatwa, and that sounds a little bit like what the state of this world is. So it’s just something which I kind of didn’t [think] was [an] important element, anyway, in the film, so I kind of left it out.”

What the fatwa? Seriously? Muslims scare him so the Kaaba was off-limits but Christians are pansies so the Vatican was so getting crushed.

This is a man who makes no apologies for not being the biggest fan of organized religion; yet somehow Imams freak this dude out. Nice.

You would think an espoused atheist would show equality and express his vitriol for every religion, but no, once again it’s Christianity that gets the pass on etiquette. It’s okay to thrash what we love because there’s no fear of revolt. We just don’t do that.

Sure, it could be the whole “love thy neighbor” message, but I think it smacks more of apathy. It takes a lot to get Christians to unite under one banner. Call it abortion, politics or… well, that’s about it.

Do Christians as a whole picket abortion clinics? No, but the world thinks we do. Do Christians as a whole burn Harry Potter books like a scene from “Footloose”? No, but again we are lumped into that simpleton mentality as well. Many people claim to do these things in the name of Christianity, but really, it’s just their personal issues under the guise of their beliefs. And we all get blamed for it. Sigh.

I’m not calling for Christian extremism (there’s already enough of that). I’m just saying we need to learn what is worth begin disgusted about, and let God sort out the rest. So, allow this movie to be Hollywood existentialism and some sort of catharsis for Emmerich who needs to slay his own inner demons about Jesus.

As for me and my house, I would have rather put that $10 in the offering bucket where it will do some good than in this ballyhooed movie. I suggest you do the same. Bor. Ing.

 

Carrie Prejean and the story of the Christian boobs

I suppose this would explain why dirty old men want to practice the "laying on of hands"

I couldn’t fight it any longer! Believe me, I tried, Wall Watchers.

At first, I thought I could ignore Carrie Prejean during the Miss USA imbroglio.

You know, when the Donald “trumped” the news and trotted her out before a sweltering dais of paparazzi, flashing cameras and gay rights activists who wanted to know just who in the h-e-double-hockeysticks would tell Perez Hilton what states should do about same-sex marriages.

(And how in the h-e-double-hockeysticks did get to judge Miss USA anyway?!)

“Well I think it’s great that Americans are able to choose one way or the other. We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage. And, you know what, in my country, in my family, I think that I believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman, no offense to anybody out there. But that’s how I was raised and I believe that it should be between a man and a woman.”

And that started it all.

All the “I think” and “I believe” was fine with me. It’s her opinion, and as a vociferous Bible-tottin’ Christian, who was I to argue?!

That is until she lost her crown, a sex tape popped up (as did Web traffic globally) and launched her whirlwind media tour to deny everything… except that it was just her in said tape (wink wink). Now, porn magnate Vivid has said tapes of her solo affair and wants to make a quick buck.

Yet, I still managed to turn a deaf ear… until now. But. Must. Write. Can’t. Help. Myself. And why? Because we learn Carrie Prejean has Christian boobies. (You read that correctly. Stop laughing and pay attention.)

Thanks to the story in Us, by way of an exclusive with Christianity Today, Carrie is on the public relations trail again. High-HO-Silver (I think that’s an unofficial nickname):

“No, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with getting breast implants as a Christian,” Prejean, 22, says in a new interview with Christianity Today. “I think it’s a personal decision. I don’t see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn’t get breast implants.“

You’re right, Carrie. It’s not in the Bible. I know, I’ve checked. However, since you are so smart, perhaps you could help all of us biblical dunderheads?

• Abortion isn’t clearly defined either. Cherishing life and “thou shalt not kill” is. Where do you stand on that, Madame Hermeneutics?
• The Bible tells us to flee from drunkenness, but doesn’t say much about shooting up or freebasing. So, how’s your crack habit these days?
• Any thoughts on the tens of thousands of Christians who have tattoos? I mean that scripture in Leviticus 19:28 was talking about pagan practices, but meh? I’m sure you got a tramp stamp to justify that one too.

Ah, well. The mysteries of the Bible… and of Carrie Prejean, biblical scholar and excuse-making dimwit. Come to think of it, the Bible isn’t that clear about sex tapes, but who am I to judge.

Cross Eyed: The Last Supper Cubed?

In the screaming 80s, teeming with toxic hair and cross-dressing rockers, Styx penned a song, “Too much time on my hands (tick, tick, ticking away).” Aside from Dennis DeYoung’s chops leading the couch potato’s hymn, I never really cared for the song… until now.

This week in video evangelism, we have the work of what has to be some 50-year-old from Toronto (shout out to Bene D) tool sparing life away in the basement of his mama’s house while meticulously caring for his Star Wars collection.

From WLBZ in Bangor, Maine, we find Leonardo Da Vinci’s timeless masterpiece… done through the hands of someone half-baked watching phantasmagoria-induced episodes of Pink Floyd’s “The Wall.“

As you can see, the artwork is imbued by the Rubik’s Cube. 4,000 of them to be exact. Sigh. Stay tuned for the Mona Lisa done in butter. Yummy!

more about “Cross Eyed: The Last Supper Cubed?“, posted with vodpod

 

These saints believe in D-O-G, and they’re not even dyslexic

Statistics have shown church attendance is on the decline. People are disengaged with religion. And evagnelism just ain’t what it used to be.

Something has got to be done, but what?

Evidently Woof N' Worship is catching on

If you’re the Rev. Tom Eggebeen of Covenant Presbyterian Church, you realize church attendance is going to the dogs. So if you can’t beat it, join it.

So Eggebeen came up with a hair-raising idea: He would turn God’s house into a doghouse by offering a 30-minute service complete with individual doggie beds, canine prayers and an offering of dog treats.

He hopes it will reinvigorate the church’s connection with the community, provide solace to elderly members and, possibly, attract new worshippers who are as crazy about God as they are about their four-legged friends.

Really? Can you imagine. I suppose this helped most of the octogenarians that attend church, but was it really uplifting? And did we discover if all dogs really go to heaven?

Traditionally, conventional Christians believe that only humans have redeemable souls, said Laura Hobgood-Oster, a religion professor at Southwestern University in Georgetown, Texas.

“It’s the changing family structure, where pets are really central and religious communities are starting to recognize that people need various kinds of rituals that include their pets,” she said. “More and more people in mainline Christianity are considering them to have some kind of soul.”

There are many people who believe dearly departed puppies will be at the golden gates when they arrive, but don’t we need to jump start the two-legged folk in church first?

Emma Sczesniak came to Covenant for the first time, lured by the promise that she could worship with her black Lab, Midnight, and her wire-haired Dachshund-terrier mix, Marley.“I don’t have any kids, so my pets have always been my children, so it does mean a lot,” she said of the dog-inclusive service. “I haven’t been to church in a long time and this may push me into it. I’m getting older and I’ve been thinking about those things again.”

I suppose whatever works, so good on Eggebeen for thinking of it. My only prayer is that after these aloof church spectators are “pushed into it” they discover the real reason of why they should be there in the first place.

However, in case Eggebeen needs other ideas to trick up service, here’s some suggestions:

• Announce to the Presbyterian Church that “dogma” is hereby redefined. (Where’s that rim shot?)
• Present your illustrated sermon series about the Church going to the dogs. Or perhaps “The Stench of Sin.” I think it may be more convincing than you think.
• Since you have a church full of older people, I’m sure one of the gentlemen in attendance battles a case of the holders during your message. Now, he can have someone to blame it on. (I know, kinda gets ya’ right in the heart, eh?)
• Petition Pope Benedict for a new assortment of saints that’s sure to get some news: Canonize Lassie, Rin-Tin-Tin, Toto, Duke from the “Beverly Hillbillies”, Eddie from “Frasier” and of course Fang from “Harry Potter”. It is in L.A. after all.
• Have Snoop Dogg be a guest speaker during a morning homily. It makes sense, and never mind the whole Muslim thing. You’ll diversify your church for sure, my nizzle.

Paula White accuser gets busted for probation violation

It seems a pathetic example of our justice system known as “Joshua Brian Randolph V. Paula White, Her “Vanilla Ice” son and Without Walls International Church” is about to take an abrupt right turn.

The hand gesture must be his fake gun. Pow!

According to the St. Petersburg Times, Randolph turned on his TV and noticed how the cameras love Paula White but him, not so much.

So, he leaves his home state of Georgia and organizes a press conference on the church’s doorstep telling everyone how he was called the “N-word” more times than he could count by Paula’s son (and that of the forgotten father, Randy… just saying).

Only one issue with that presser in Florida, it seems the compulsive full-of-crapper Randolph is on probation… for impersonating a police officer. No, really.

Randolph previously pleaded guilty in 2007 to impersonating an officer in Hall County. He is on probation until January 2011, records show.

Amazing. It seems the only person in this world with less credibility than Paula White… has managed to sue Paula White. Genius. Now, this dolt is on the run as probation officials have a Dimwit Alert out for Randolph’s arrest.

“He is not to leave the state without permission from his probation officer. It has now been verified that he did so,” [Sharmelle from the Georgia Department of Corrections] Brooks wrote in an e-mail to the St. Petersburg Times.

Watch it, Joshua. When Po-Po gets a hold of you, they will certainly call you worse than Brandon White did. Allegedly.

Cross Eyed: Jesus Christ… Bail Bonds

Jesus is known for defeating the enemy, snatching the keys from the grave and rescuing us from hell. Thanks be to God.

For this week in video evangelism, consider the grave to be an eternal jail cell for Christ followers. So, naturally it makes sense that Jesus would endorse a few of his sentinel spirits as bail bondsmen, right?

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil… because I can get out for at least 10%.

Amen.

more about “Cross Eyed: Jesus Christ… Bail Bonds“, posted with vodpod

 

Ted Haggard is back to his old tricks

Courtesy: TallSkinnyKiwi.typepad.com

No, no. I mean starting a new church.

What did you think I meant? You Wall-watching gutter minds. Oy!

Anywhoo, according to the Colorado Springs Gazette, Ted is back with a vengeance and holding a “prayer meeting” on November 12 at… his house.

(Hey, isn’t that how he first got in trouble with his gay-lover-masseuse-meth-dealer-dude in the first place?)

Back to the story:

“We wanted to do something in our house to connect with friends,” said Haggard, whose ties to New Life ended in scandal three years ago with the revelation that he’d been involved with a male prostitute in Denver.

For the record, Haggard began the Colorado megachurch, New Life Church, with 25 people in his basement. The rest is history as he would become a force in ecumenicalism – one of the top pastors in America, voice to the president and leader of the National Association of Evangelicals as his own church surpassed 14,000.

Neither had a comment about Haggard and his new start-up, but suffice to say, I don’t think there is going to be a neighborhood sleep over any time soon.

“For this prayer meeting, I have no goals,” Haggard said. “I have no secret hope that more people will come. I am not driven as I was. Before I focused on the Great Commission. Now I focus on helping other people.”

MEMO to Sweet Teddy: I know you may be a little rusty on the Bible but the “Great Commission” (making disciples and all) is helping other people.

Haggard has been a busy boy since his unceremonious interlude with Mike Jones. He’s been selling insurance, giving “talks” on weekends and, as we posted on the Wall a while back, traipsing his family on national TV to “Divorce Court.”

Still classy after all these months.

And speaking of Mike Jones, the church volunteer Lothario had this to say about Haggard’s interloping with a home church service:

Ted Haggard certainly has the right to do what ever he wants and deserves to be happy in life.  But make no mistake: Ted does nothing by accident. This will be in the press, two months before Gayle’s book is released and then his book to follow.  At this point, publicity is publicity.

 

But to sum it up, if Ted and Gayle were at Disneyland,they would never leave Fantasyland.  But this time they have Oprah as Tinkerbell to spread the fairy dust.

Crazy, not stupid. Of course, this is about public relations. Ted knows how to work the press, just check Google. It hearts Haggard. Dude needs cash, credibility, and above all, cash.

Having a Tupperware party at his house won’t cut it, but get that on national TV and possibly with a TBN cameo, and it’s on like Donkey Kong.

Question to all of us is: Should he be taken seriously?

Suitable, it being tagged on the Wall

Before we answer with a diatribe laced with vitriol and expletives, remember Capernaum anyone?

Peter decided he could quantify forgiveness because of the acts aginst him by some schlep he knew. He thought seven was a good number, seeing how he took that numerology class in Temple a few weeks back.

Jesus threw Peter a curve ball saying, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:22 NKJV).

Did Jesus wants to give Peter a pop quiz on his times tables, or was that a metaphorical way to say, “Dude, if I had a dollar for every time you screwed up…”

“No one can possibly keep count of such a high number of offenses,” writes John MacArthur in reference to 490 (the result of “seventy times seven”). “But that is precisely the point! Keeping count has nothing to do with true forgiveness. If an offense is sincerely forgiven, it cannot be held against the offender.” (John MacArthur. The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness. Crossway Books, 2009)

I don’t know about you , but I passed 490 years ago. [Shoot, who am I kidding, months ago.] My check would so bounce past food stamps and into welfare. However, God is bigger than that.

Do I think Haggard should be back in charge of a church now? Certainly not. There has got to be work God still has to do in his heart and his family’s life.

Do I think Haggard is forgiven? If he marched up to the throne of Grace – not before he marched up to his wife who is still with him -  and begged for it, you bet.

Do I think this is a great idea? No way… but I do understand. Albeit, a little.

Apocalypse Watch: NASA thinks the Q Dog should be put to sleep before 2012

Coming Nov. 13, 2009... I mean, 2012.

Later this month, you know in 2009, a blockbuster is going to hit global screens – 2012.

John Cusack is going to save the world from the “Q Dog” (much to the chagrin of my Alpha Phi Alpha, Inc. ties) and the fact that it’s just a cheap marketing ploy three years early shouldn’t matter. I mean, it doesn’t to Hollywood folk.

However, one organization all this apocalyptic kerfuffle is bothering is NASA. Just ask one of their astrophysicists, David Morrison:

“Calendars, whether contemporary or ancient, cannot predict the future of our planet or warn of things to happen on a specific date such as 2012. I note that my desk calendar ends much sooner, on Dec. 31, 2009, but I do not interpret this as a prediction of Armageddon. It is just the beginning of a new year.”

Can we please stop with the end times theories? The Bible declares it; I believe it; and I wish that would settle it:

Our Lord Jesus told us that when he comes, we won’t go up to meet him ahead of his followers who have already died. With a loud command and with the shout of the chief angel and a blast of God’s trumpet, the Lord will return from heaven. Then those who had faith in Christ before they died will be raised to life. Next, all of us who are still alive will be taken up into the clouds together with them to meet the Lord in the sky. From that time on we will all be with the Lord forever. (1 Thessalonians 4:15-17)

I mean, if anyone wishes this mess would stop is the Olympics. After all, in 2012, the Spice Girls are performing! Isn’t that enough of a reason for the half-dog, half-lizard to hold off for a few months?!

Mormon calendar shows off LDS hot cross buns

I said it once, and now I get to say again… anyone remember excommunicated Mormon Chad Hardy?

Hardy is an entrepreneur from Las Vegas who had an epiphany that, if directed to a niche audience, would cause him a winfall of cash money. The idea was a Missionary Beefcake calendar of all those hottie LDS door-to-door salesmen.

And it worked. So much that he was excommunicated from Utah. Yeah, he was a 6th-generation Mormon. Nice.

Meet Miss May and Cover Girl. I'm sure she's a great cook.

Well, sad for the Mormons, it seems sex really does sell because Hardy is baaaack with something a little Oedipus complex-ish.

The “Hot Mormon Muffins: A Taste of Motherhood“ calendar features 12 mothers who claim membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in vintage pinup picture poses. Each month also has a muffin recipe.

Genius. “Also has a muffin recipe.”

That’s like finding a dirty old man at the magazine rack in a truck stop. Of course, he reads that magazine just for the articles. And by the way, yes, he is just happy to see me.

This “muffin” calendar is the latest in the series of Mormon in print. The problem is that Hardy got the boot from the church, so you know Missus January through December could be next? Was it worth it? It is to Hardy. Just ask him.

“For Mormons, the most holy calling next to missionary work is motherhood,” said Hardy. “But they’re not all the subservient housewives that people think they are.“

What? Did someone hurl a Ron Jeremy movie in the DVD player? What’s that mean?

The “Men on a Mission” calendar may have been done with tongue firmly planted in cheek, but this is done with a motive… and a bent. Dude is on a mission to make Mormons look foolish, but this could backfire because how many Atheists will consider flying to Utah just to get a calendar?

The funny thing about this imbroglio is considering the questionable marriage practices in the LDS church, does each month contain the multiple mothers of the same household?

Tami Roberts (seen pictured above) has three girls and is raising them to be devout Mormons.

“I also want them to be open, accepting of other people, know that everybody is not the same and that it’s OK to make your own choices,” said Roberts, who works as a restaurant server and confessed to having a few tattoos, generally considered taboo among Mormons.

Yeah, because having a tramp stamp in the middle of a baptism for some dead guy could be a skosh distracting.

No word from LDS central but something tells me you won’t see Hardy’s calendar on sale in Salt Lake anytime soon at Borders.

 

Cross Eyed for the Holidays: The only Ghost during Halloween

Today… well, scratch that… TONIGHT is when many families gallivant from house to house begging for candy. Others, more paranoid, go to malls or the ubiquitous “Fall Festivals”. Safer, but no more of a beating.

And then there are those fools who use this night to express misguided angst under the cloak of religion. That’s about all it gets credited as… the vandals, the criminal activity, the sacrifices. Oh, did I get your attention now?

The point is this is a real day, one not granted for peace and love. Rather, the rumor mill is a little more of a fact clearinghouse. The witches, the skulls, the dismay – all there, all true.

I have lil’ Wall Watchers, so I give them some fun and not play the legalism blues. However, what they know and what I know are two different things. What do you know? Check the video… a little Cross Eyed evangelism early, if you will.

more about “Halloween and the only Ghost to care …“, posted with vodpod

700 men take oath of allegiance for their odd ball pastor. Swear.

Oaths.

Funny things, aren’t they?

People take an oath when they get married, and how’s that working out for half of this globe? Oaths are performed when swearing someone into office, and that seems to be for show. And then, there are those oaths that a witness takes when they are about to lie their tail off about the plantiff.

You know, it’s a good thing those don’t mean a thing to God; otherwise, he would smoke some fools like Zeus with a lightning bolt.

Those are most of the examples of which I can imagine. That is until Acme Arena member Bene Diction decided to challenge me… er, request I write about this Holy Ghost hullabaloo.

Now I will warn you, this story hails from the New Zealand Herald. You would expect praise heaped upon Kiwis (quite honestly, some of my fave Wall Watchers are Aussies and Kiwis), but this fool is one big pitted-out prune.

Meet Brian Tamaki, leader of one of New Zealand’s largest megachurches, Destiny Church.

Evidently, he liked the view from his pulpit, peering over his serfdom, so he decided it would be a good move to promote himself from pastor to bishop and insist the male members [only them] of the church were his “spiritual sons”. That’s sweet, namely around “Father’s Day.” Good times, uh, Dad?

However, during that same service, the adoption became indoctrination as:

At a special service during the church’s annual conference in Auckland at the weekend, about 700 male members of the church swore a “covenant oath” of loyalty and obedience to Mr Tamaki and were given a “covenant ring” to wear on their right hands.

Look, dude. You call it what you want, but that is a Promise Ring! As in what I gave my 5th grade girlfriend back in the day. (Then, when that relationship didn’t work out, I gave it to what was behind Door #2).

According to the story, these men were former addicts, criminals and all-around bad seeds made nice. So, what a better way to welcome these emotionally challenged boys than make them wear slightly eerie promise rings and signed oaths that read:

“To you Bishop we pledge our allegiance, our faithfulness and loyalty. We pledge to serve the cause that is in your heart and to finish that work. Success to you and success to those who help you – for God is with you.”

That sound you hear was a mighty rushing wind… of me, dashing to the bathroom. Please, I think I have a little throw up in my mouth.

Courtesy: Covertress. Peace.

People, that is not a church service. That is a cult warm-up session.What’s next? A nice, refreshing glass of Kool Aid?

Now, Bene clearly dissects that oath, which is worth the paper it was printed upon, but for grins here are some low-lights:

• How to act toward dear ol’ Dad: The “sons” are told that “Bishop is the tangible expression of God”, so they need to understand how to properly approach their man of God “to protect the anointing and not transgress this special relationship”. They must ensure that Mr. Tamaki and his wife are both honoured, cared for and given appropriate respect. “Bishop is a people person. Often it is better we offend others than him.”

That’s sweet. However, if Dad were to instruct all his Bebe Kids to actually read the Bible, they would discover:

And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever; Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you (John 14: 16-17 KJV).

The day some greasy haired toolbox takes the place of my Jesus, I’m checking out of this place with the quickness. Next?!

• How to act around Daddy Dearest: Don’t start talking or gesturing to somebody else while Bishop is speaking. The “sons” must never openly disagree with Mr. Tamaki in front of others and must “be careful not to become familiar (which can lead to contempt)” with him “due to his friendliness and openness”

I love the trend here. Here’s “Dad” demanding to be called “Mr. Tamaki” in a legal-ish contract. What? Are these 700 men the bastard children at your family reunion? Moving on.

• How to act around those not digging Dad’s get-up: They must never tolerate anyone (regardless of who they are) speaking or talking critically of Mr Tamaki and his wife/family or the church. “You are not only to stop them in their tracks but warn them that they criticise you when they criticise Bishop.”

Brother, you have one of your goons touch a serious brother, he’ll show what the “laying on of hands” is all about. And trust me, he will stop that dead in its tracks.

When did Jesus ever demand this of his disciples, much less the rest of throng who followed him? Never. Outside of the Sermon on the Mount, the only oath he made them take was this:

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: ” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:36-40 NIV)

Now, that’s telling it like it is. Problem with Tamaki is he can’t love his neighbor like himself because he apparently doesn’t like himself that much. How else would you explain this self-deified regimen? He heard from God this would be a swell idea. I don’t think the Lord’s voice could penetrate all that hair product personally.

The word is out on this cult-figure tool. He knows it, so he decides to send the goon squad over to the local news station for a nice talk.

In a statement today, Destiny Church objected to what it alleged was inaccurate commentary by an “unidentified” individual in the TV3 news item, and the hidden camera footage. The statement said Destiny Church “had always had an open-door policy towards the media and general public and believes this trust has been breached by TV3 in their covert approach in this instance”.

The statement also said “a number of comments made by the individual (in the Campbell Live item) were grossly inaccurate” and questioned the credibility of its source, “which the programme fails to identify”.

It wasn’t like TV3 hired James Bond to go in there cloaked in subterfuge and yank the mystery out from the man. A reporter got a copy of this inane oath and told the world. Tamaki is eating a lot of crow, so he’s a skosh tweaked.

This isn’t biblical, but MEMO to Brian Tamaki: You can only put cologne on without taking a shower so many days in a row. After a while, that stink is going to be detected.

In other words, this story reeks to high heaven and Tamaki’s tail end is at the front of it. This is not of the Lord. Jesus is not pleased with you trying to make involuntary robots out of these people. You should be ashamed of yourself, but that will happen the day we get raptured.

Oh, and the worst part…

Oath takers paid $295 – plus a $5 administration fee – for the ring symbolising their loyalty to Bishop Tamaki. Some were given the option of paying the ring off over time. Members were also asked for $10 to fund the Destiny School building extension, and a gold-coin donation to Destiny Television Ministries.

After reading that, I have another saying… but um, I’ll just keep that to myself.

Paula White makes getting sued into a sideshow sermon. Figures.

Paula White is no stranger to making a mockery of something – whether that be a marriage, a message or now a press conference where she is supposed to be defending the name of her son.

Television cameras descended on Without Walls International Church on Thursday for back-to-back news conferences about a racial discrimination lawsuit filed against the head pastor’s son.

Nice collection of framed press clippings on the wall. But no son?!

Now, let’s get this:

1. “Back-to-back” press conferences?! Why? One for the secular and one of the sacred? Perhaps, one for the mainstream church folk and then one for the poor hacks she ridicules weekly and they don’t have the intelligence to know the difference?!
2. Against her son. Not her. This isn’t about her. This is about he son allegedly being a bigot (and for the record, this lawsuit is complete crap and should be laughed out of court). Paula White should be supporting her son, but meh. Back to the story…

So, there sits Paula, ready to support her son and make this case about how she is fed up and not going to take any more. Right? Take it away hired gun and legal pundit Barry Cohen:

Barry Cohen, the church attorney, who described what he called proof that the suit was a “racial con job.” There were standing ovations. There were shouts of praise. There were threats of more lawsuits.

There was no indication this would end any time soon.

At a press conference. About her son. Much ado about nothing.

Gee, I wonder why the Kool-Aid guzzling folk got all lathered up about legal speak at a presser. You think Brandon White is really that charismatic, or was he encountered with “Girl, Interrupted.”

Brandon White, 26, spoke publicly about the case for the first time. He said he can’t look at people without wondering if they believe the allegations. He said he hasn’t been able to sleep. Then, his mother spoke. Paula White said she started the church to promote racial harmony.

“We’re drawing the line and saying enough is enough,” she said. She turned to Cohen and told him, “Use the legal system as far as you can, as hard as you can and as long as you can.”

Meanwhile, you notice what is missing from this story? Anyone? Take your time… wait for it… Randy!

The kid wasn’t found in Paula’s shotty trailer park. He does have a father, but because he probably lost the cash and his dignity in the divorce, he’s nowhere. Pathetic.

And so, we’re back with the former Without Walls youth worker gone rogue civil rights advocate, Josh Randolph, who has decided to continue with the legal proceedings against Paula White’s son.

If you note the link above, this lawsuit was a modest $4,200. And now, it seems the “N-word” means a whole lot more Ka-ching… er feeling to him.

“Money never crossed my mind,” he said. “Exposure crossed my mind. I wanted Tampa to know these people are racists. I’m not going to make this a media frenzy.” …his discrimination lawsuit in which he now asks for $2 million.

If there is nothing you can believe that comes out of this dudes’ mouth, believe this, he definitely is cut from the same make-up stained, ballyhooed cloth that Paula is because this is some drama for your mama!

Think we’ll be covering this one on the Wall? I would bet a few extra bricks on that one.