Cross Eyed: Toddler gets his preach on!

In our days of church visitation, membership and revivals, I’m sure we have seen our fair share of traveling evangelists.

You know the type:

1. Sweaty Weight Watchers Guy – This is the dude who sounds like he is snoring in his sleep while very much awake. I mean, if he inhaled any deeper the choir loft drapes would be down his gullet.
2. Theological Big Wig Guy – He’s typically a pastor with alphabet soup after his name and delivers that perfect homiletical sermon that will either inspire you quietly or put you to sleep like Sominex.
3. Famous Just Got Saved Guy – Usually an athlete that TBN traipses out on TV like a prized Lipizzaner stallion. All he has to discuss is his testimony (meh) but hey, he’s famous so it’s good for ratings and attendance.
4. And there’s this guy… er, kid. For my entertainment and ecumenical value, I’ll take this toddler any day. He preaches with more fire than I have seen in quite a while. Enjoy.

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How much is the Gospel worth to you? To this dude, it’s $1

Call it minimal, worthless or just a win on principle, but this story cracks me up… and serves as a majestic “up yours” to the ACLU.

Thanks to FOX News, the Lindenhurst School District in New York will pay a student a paltry $1 in damages after he accused officials of prohibiting him from forming a Bible club.

That’s right, Jesus fans. One dollar!

Additionally, the God-hating school district also paid the unidentified student’s $2,500 legal fees.

However, the funniest part of this story is this:

The Central Islip, N.Y., district says that in March — a month after the suit was filed — Lindenhurst High School recognized the Bible club.

“Oh, you mean you were serious about that law suit,” said the ACLU card-carrying superintendent. “Well, ska-roooo that. Here’s your club admission pass. Please meet the rest of your toolbox friends in the janitor’s closet. We put in a couch. And uh, never mind that smell.”

Brilliant.

GOBAMA: Jews heart the President, but why?

Thanks to WOW News’ Dan Gilgoff of U.S. News’ “God & Country” fame, we have an interesting Gallup poll result that shows the most supportive and non-supportive religious groups of the BarackStar.

As much as the election cycle hit COGIC churches causing many pastors of the community to drool feverishly like Cujo, you would Protestants would skyrocket to the top of list. Nope.

Evidently, all this ballyhoo about socialized… er, universal health care and offering every banking institution in this country a golden parachute… er, part of the stimulus package, it seems Jews heart the president.

You do understand the irony here? Right?

President Obama isn’t the most “pro-Israeli” commander-in-chief. No, nothing about the whole “Hussein” thing; it’s his policy. Recently, in his United Nations’ speech, he declared, “Israel has been occupying the Palestinian State since 1967.”

While his ratings were glowing on Al-Jazzera TV, I’m sure there were a few Jews in this country – and their country – that weren’t too entirely thrilled to hear that mess.

Lots of American Jews, according to pollsters, tend to vote Democratic as seen in Florida and Pennsylvania last year. Notwithstanding that, this number has plummeted from 83 percent in January.

It seems all that shmoozing for Iranian favor has a few Jews… well, calling bupkes.

The moral of this poll? Anyone can fake it for a few months but after a while, even those you lie with begin to demand an explanation.

Watch out, Catholics. That’s hand sanitizer, not holy water

So, in case you live in Michael Jackson’s old hyperbaric chamber (I’m sure it’s on eBay), I’m sure you know someone – if not gotten the cooties personally – who has caught H1N1, affectionately known as “Swine Flu.“

It’s so bad out there, there’s a new verb about to be included in the global lexicon – purelled.

I mean, I break wind and grab a bottle of that magical salve in case some of those airborne rockets lands on my fingertips.

You’ve seen that green bottle of gold everywhere – college campuses, office lobbies, restrooms and even football stadiums.

However, this next story from the Pennsylvania Patriot-News gives a fresh and sanitized meaning to “Cleanliness is next to godliness” as holy water is being replaced by… you guessed it, hand sanitizer.

“In an effort to minimize exposure to the H1N1 flu and other diseases, we have joined other Catholic churches in temporarily removing the Holy Water from the entrances to the Cathedral,” the St. Patrick Cathedral bulletin informed parishioners on Sunday.

Apparently, the sign of the Cross isn’t good enough for church-going folk. Now, we will place our flu-ridden bodies in the hands of the Red Cross.

“Please remember that when greeting people before and after Mass and during the Sign of Peace, a simple head bow can replace the handshake and be healthier for everyone,” the bulletin said.

No more shaking hands during service. Keep the flu out of the pews, brothers and sisters! Now, it’s just the knowing nod until further notice.

Hopefully this pandemic will end by 2012. That’s election season. What’s a politician to do when they can’t “shake hands and kiss babies”?! Poor things.

The White House thinks Harry Potter is evil… and blows

I must confess, I have never seen one second nor read one paragraph of the “Harry Potter” trilogy.

Why? Well, I’m more of a Star Wars buff, I don’t know. It just didn’t do anything for me. Maybe it’s because I’m older than one of R. Kelly’s girlfriends. Who knows?

That said, it’s huge. Every time that four-eyed, pre-pubescent mole hits the big screen, this country goes Hogwart Crazy. And one of the craziest is its author and uber-millionaire, J. K. Rowling.

The woman is the British Oprah, only without her own self-serving talk show (did I type that out loud).To her credit, she has sold more than 400 million books, was on welfare more than five years ago, one of top 10 richest women in the U.K. and is a notable philanthropist.

So, what do you get the woman who has everything? I’m not sure, but the one you don’t get her was found in a BBC News story as we discover President Bush allegedly objected to giving her the “Presidential Medal of Freedom.”

Matt Latimer, former speech writer for President George W Bush, said that some members of his administration believed her books promoted sorcery. As a result, she was never presented with the Presidential Medal of Freedom. The claims appear in Latimer’s new book called Speechless: Tales of a White House Survivor.

Well, let’s get this straight, the other authors who won been this prestigious medal are Harper Lee (“To Kill a Mockingbird“) and John Steinbeck (“Of Mice & Men” and “The Grapes of Wrath“).

That’s two critically acclaimed authors of their generation and books that changed lives. From culture, race and philosophy, these books are regaled throughout time. And then, bringing up the rear is Rowling’s book about some nerdy sorcerer with a hankering of broom flying.

Yeah, that’s a match on the mantle, wouldn’t you say?

To wit all you Potter Homers, let’s not fret about this too bad for three obvious reasons:

1. The books do promote sorcery. I mean, go to a toy store when that polished turd hits screens and tell me what you see? Faux magic books, brooms, witches’ cauldrons and all that implies. Get off your high horse and call a Voldemort what he is and move on.
2. The Presidential Medal of Freedom means much more than making millions off teenage goobers. It’s the highest award given for meritorious service, and “to the security or national interests of the United States, world peace, cultural or other significant public or private endeavors.” Does this chic do any of that?!
3. $798 million. Five books for an average of  $159,600,000 each time her publisher says, “Ka-ching!” In other words, if she wants one that bad, go buy one. Just sayin’.