Halal Yeah! Mary Kay could convert to Islam

I once heard a sage pastor, who was a bit of a chauvinistic dinosaur, say when “edifying” the ladies on dating:

I have a prophecy – if the barn needs paint, break out a coat and get busy!

While the gasping and swooning was inaudible, many men were sitting in their seats and biting their lip until blood came out their nose. Ah, church. Ain’t it grand?

Look Ma, no swine. (Courtesy: AFP)

I was reminded of that rotund pearl of wisdom when I read this atypical story on Yahoo! about “religiously correct” make-up and a possible spiritual conversion.

For Muslim women who feel they are violating Islam’s teachings by using skin creams with alcohol and pig residues, Layla Mandi [pictured] has the answer: religiously-correct “halal” cosmetics. The Canadian makeup artist who converted to Islam is marketing cosmetics called OnePure, which she says have the luxury feel of international brands minus the elements banned under Islamic law.

For those not in the know, Kosher is to Jewish what Halal is to Muslim. It’s more than preference; it’s dogmatic law.

That said, why for, Mandi? (By the way, is it just me, or does this Muslim adherent look like some hottie outside of any beach town in the states?)

“Muslims don’t want to go around and pray five times a day having pork residues on their body,” said Mandi, in her early thirties and swathed in a slim black abaya, or cloak, with wisps of blond hair sticking from under her head scarf. “I came to the Middle East to learn more about people’s needs. Most were pretty shocked when I told them there were pork products in their skin care items so they were very interested.”

I realize it seems like she is saying there are Muslim women bathing in pickled pig’s feet, but to them, it’s the same as some Quranic women who just feel the need to douse a little foundation underneath her Hijab.

Suffice to say, this is big news in the world of marketing to Muslims, and considering the economy, good times for make-up manufacturers and the aforementioned direct sales syndicates. Again, what took so long?

I have been cooking with Morton’s Kosher salt for years, but I don’t think My Fair Lady smells bacon when she dabs on a little lipstick.

Moreover, how long is it going to take all those home-schooling mamas at church peddling Mary Kay and Avon on the side to start adding “We’re little piggy free” to all their make-up baskets?

And then there is the issue of yet another ridiculous, and soon-to-be-waaaaaay-overused PC term. Anyone catch that diabolical moniker? “Religiously Correct.” Oh. God. Help. Me. Please.

You know, let’s not stop there. In the spirit of dare not offending any religious follower, adherent or believer, how about:

• Bovine-absent hamburgers for your favorite Buddhist. Sure, they call those vegans but let’s not worry about that right now.
• Tantric-lite sleeping aides for that slumbering Hindu in your family. Let him or her get that Yoga on and feel refreshed once euphoria is reached. Namaste.
• Something all of us could enjoy for a week or two, the acclaimed demon-free days. That’s right, just live without the temptation to visit ne’er-do-well Web site or charge the emergency credit card into a third-world credit rating.
• For your friendly neighborhood Rastafarian, try the latest in marijuana-free brownies. Because when you need to cram for the next exam, why just have hippie lettuce rolled up in a fatty when you can tap into your inner Betty Crocker and get your baking on?

And for those of you needing something a little closer to the vest, wait… there’s more:

• Condemnationally correct Baptists
• Alcohol-correct Catholics
• Musically included Church-of-Christs (real word?)
• Follically and hairstyling correct Pentecostals
• Financially correct Evangelicals (with a special emphasis on megachurch pastors and televangelists)
• And for a bonus, just in time for Christmas, Universalism… with limits! Go figure?!

Jesus, are you ready for some football?

So, in the vent you have read about yours truly and was wondering, on the off chance, what I was doing this Sunday, here you go.

I am by definition a football homer (COUGH… How ’bout dem’ Cowboys!… COUGH).

To wit, I’ll be reflecting by the warmth of that iconic star whooping until my vocal chords turn to mush and I fall asleep on the couch with Funyun-stained mitts and fresh barbecue betwixt my incisors.

However, this is a spiritual abode of enlightenment, so think, man… think:

A-ha, got it.

Similarly, if anyone competes as an athlete, he does not receive the victor’s crown unless he competes according to the rules (2 Timothy 2:5 NIV).

No really. That’s in the Bible. Look it up!

Thanks be to God, the original referee. Big love to Football Jesus.

Back to our regular scheduled hollering and napping.

God Sighting of the Month: Jesus as a Martian

Courtesy: NASA

Like clockwork, here’s another “God Sighting” but with a NASA-esque twist.

Apparently, the Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter was trolling around the planet’s ruddy surface and wouldn’t you know it? No, not Arnold Schwarzenegger filming “Total Recall 2.” It’s not E.T. looking for a cell phone.

It was Jesus, so reports the UK’s Telegraph.

The view shows gullies near the edge of the Hale crater on southern Mars… If looked at from the right angle – and with disbelief suspended – this photo released by Nasa can appear to show the face and robed body of Christ.

Nice.

What’s next? The eye of Jupiter is Jehovah playing a cute game of “peek-a-boo”? The rings of Saturn are actually there for the archangels to crush some frisbee golf? And never mind what’s on Uranus. Yeech.

But, in the spirit of keeping true to some video evangelism (as in a “Cross Eyed” segment), we have what would happen if this Jesus sighting on Mars became fodder for the nutjobs in Hollywood.

Mel, take it away…

9-11: Eight years later, never forget. Remember?

In Memoriam... into perpetuity

It was one of those days when everyone remembers where they were and what they were doing when the World Trade Center towers plummeted to the ground that fateful day on September 11, 2001.

I lost a few friends – both in working circles and a boy in blue. Maybe you did too?

So… have you forgotten?

Many people have opinions, and like a hole in your butt, most stink. Even more people have a story, grueling to tell and chilling to hear.

But do you know, or have your forgotten, the stark numbers behind the day known for only its own numbers?

New York Magazine created the rundown list, which quite honestly, should be the only math people do today.

That amazing list is a stark reminder of those we lost, the pain it caused and the grief that still exists to this day. Again, remember?

When you have time, Wall Watchers. pray – for our great country, our civil servants in uniform who sacrifice their lives daily, our president and leaders of state, and our holistic protection.

And in case, you – like so, so many in this country have forgot – this day shouldn’t spark political debate but moments of silence. Dispel of the pointing of fingers and decide to give someone a hand. Ignore those dolts who find pleasure in controversy and focus on those who are still dealing with the pain.

In other words, never forget. Never. God bless America. Remember?

When did the “God Card” become trendy for politicians

We already know how hard the BarackStar pledged his support to God while courting the hard religious right. (By the way, how’s that commitment card to Christ working out anyway?)

However, there’s been a recent rash of “But I love Jesus too” commentary coming from the really cheap seats. I’m talking about the fools who have soiled their public offices for all the world to see.

Why is that every politician wants to hurl their ACLU card in everyone’s faces when litigation shows up, but when scandal comes knocking on their door, they are ready to let us all know how they are a soldier in the army of the Lord?

Thanks to some well-applied masonry by WOW News’ “Bible Belt Blogger,” we have a doltish duo issuing their God card in the press:

In the Washington Times, we see AWOL South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford taking the time to mail in a repentant letter from South America vowing “to fight on for conservative causes and for ‘what God wanted me to do with my life.’”

Yes, Gov. I’m sure shtupping with some dime-store chica you met online is precisely what God wanted for you. And, speaking of Governors who just don’t know when to fish or cut bait:

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich (and his pet hair piece) was once again interviewed and he went all holy saying, “I believe there is a purpose behind all that has happened to us. And maybe God has a plan for me to be an instrument for good. And that the troubles we are facing, the lies, the abandonment, the heartbreak, the pain, are all obstacles in the journey we must make, where like the stories in the Bible, God brings good out of bad.”

After being impeached, failing as your own attorney, parading across the country like a color-blind peacock and later arrested by the FBI, that would be nice to believe. Keep combing it forward… eh, paying it forward, Rod.

And then to make this salt-and-pepper shaker set of dunderheads a nice, sweet troika, should we discuss a former Veep candidate, Former U.S. Senator John Edwards?

Faith was huge on his platform, but his witness kinda went the way of new Coke and the Chia Pet when he decided to cheat on his wife, lie about the paternity of his illegitimate child… and oh yeah, while his wife was fighting for her life with cancer.

Stay classy, holmes.

Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life (Galatians 6:7-8 NIV).

I am all for repentance, getting your life right and – in Blago’s case – jailhouse conversions, but don’t speak it if you can’t sell it. Sure, God is love. Yes, he has a plan for your life. But if you are going to use Jesus to keep your 15 minutes alive and kicking, wait a while…

Trust me, you got caught once. It’ll happen again.