GOBAMA: Newsweek thinks BarackStar is “sort of God”

A bird... a plane... nah, just Obama

Recently, the BarackStar has been on the biggest world wind tour since a certain mythical figure wearing lovely tights and a cod piece. (Anyone see that movie? Woof!)

MEMO to the President: Stay put and mix in a trip through the heartland.

I get the need to improve on U.S. relations with Muslims overseas and love on them while slapping Al Qaeda in the mug.

I understand the U.S. PR bent to close Gitmo and show we are the world.

And I see your struggles to do something about this country’s abysmal predicament with crazed North Korean totalitarians with nuclear fetishes.

But you are the American President! I could care less about you stamping your passport to all places that hate bacon.

That said, maybe there is pressure to be the global figure of peace… you know, kinda like another guy we know, and uh, worship.

It’s no secret people have placed you on polarizing tangents of theology. First, you are the Antichrist. Then, you are the Second Coming.

And let’s not forget about the time you outranked Jesus in a popularity contest. Keep it classy, America.

Now, it seems you have managed to make it somewhere in the middle, thanks to Newsweek Editor Evan Thomas who decided to confuse everyone in the Church when he called the BarackStar, “sort of God.”

Yeah, because that makes sense.

Dude, either he has stigmata or not. The guy can either feed an entire country with a two-piece from Long John Silvers or not.

So what’s with this “sort of God” mess?! Oh, wait… you’re being interviewed on MSNBC. Well, that makes sense.

Hooray for Godly-wood?

Ever been to an Oscar-watching party? Yeah… uh… me, neither.

But if I had, I could tell you watching the beautiful people is typically secondary compared to figuring out all those non-promoted, artsy-fartsy (or agenda-laden) movies that made the cut. And then, based on acting and box-office success, the ones that didn’t.

In this piece from ABC News, we see I’m not the only one who was perplexed this year.

Some people get to walk the red carpet based on reputation alone. “Vicky Cristina Barcelona” was a Woody Allen film, but really?! I think you could set an egg timer on how long that flick was in theaters, but I guess a screening was enough to get a nomination. That, and a producer with a reputation, because I saw it… woof!

And then, there was “Fireproof”.

I mean, who’da thunk that Kirk Cameron would be the one instigating this debate. But he is because that movie outgrossed most of the heavy hitters who won awards, even “Slumdog Millionaire.”

Granted, it’s an acting competition not an earning competition.

However, that movie was no “The Omega Code.” It had substance. It had a theme. It had people in theaters for more an opening weekend. And oh, it had Jesus in the movie not appearing as a curse word.

And now, there is this Christian movie “The Secrets of Jonathon Sperry” that has Hollywood, dare I say, “buzzing”? So, enter the director with a few sage thoughts:

“Why is it we watch movies with nudity and all this stuff we know we shouldn’t? I’ll tell you why, because Hollywood rules, not Jesus,” Christiano [the director] said to the crowd. “Pastors, I’m telling you, this is the fight, this is what’s going to steal your youth group; this is what’s busting up your marriages. This is the fight. I need you to stand with us.”

Regardless of what side of the political aisle you reside, there are actually families who are tired of seeing only Pixar movies with the kiddos. They want… well, real people in a movie and not have to worry about covering eyes and ears or having to discuss one of those in flagrante dilecto scenes on the way home.

Now, this director is more than some dude reading Zig Ziglar books. He’s trying to create a movement that started with “The Passion of the Christ” up to now.

“George Lucas supposedly said the church, which used to be all powerful, has been usurped by film. And he’s right,” Christiano said. “The devil knows all this, and he has used films to break down this country; it’s a very powerful tool.”

Bring it, brother! If this guy can back up with mouth with a well-made movie, the Church may have a winner winner chicken dinner.

Christian movies get grassroots support. Evangelicals, Catholics, Pentecostals, Episcopalians and the rest of the God-loving horde go see a movie touting Jesus Christ and biblical principles. But now, the quest is to get the critics to not only see them, but write favorably about them and encourage others to go see them.

Now, on a personal note, I just have to get over our hopes are now collectively pinned upon… Gavin “Captain Stubbing of the Love Boat” McLeod who is the septagenarian in the starring role. Gulp!

Maybe TBN will louse this thing up after all? Let us pray.

Cross Eyed: Out of the Mouths of Babes

Once again, welcome to a video not found on the artist formerly known as GodTube.

I suppose unless it’s a video from MercyMe (which, nothing wrong with that) or some kind-hearted lady selling Avon products, it’s not going to get en”tangle“d in a certain Web site. Nice.

So, what’s this enlightening version of weekly video evangelism about? Knowing Jesus.

It befuddles this pontificate how some people in the same breath can think Jesus is rocking as a tranny, but is still a great guy who died on the cross. Don’t believe me? Never met anyone as utterly confused as to who is Jesus and what he is…

Watch this. Good stuff from “BaconFiv Productions“

Today’s churches have real faith in marketing

Every company is revisiting marketing strategies, PR outreach and advertising budgets. If your income blows, how are you going to get more if no one knows your name.

Kinda’ like the anti-Cheers.

Among churches, there is a trend – if your denomination has the cash, spend it to put butts in seats.

Megachurches don’t have that issue because it doesn’t seem they have an agenda. You know, aside from the sundry few who are looking to fatten their wallets (we know who you are).

But for the mainstream, the monotonous and seemingly, the moth-eaten, folk aren’t interested so marketing budgets are the new investment, the new “building fund,” according to this story by the Washington Times.

You have the United Methodist Church pouring $20 million into this country so we can “Rethink Church.”

And then, the Evangelical Lutheran Church is spending a paltry $1.2 million to keep up with the Methodist Joneses with “God’s Work, Our Hands.” (sniff sniff).

But, let’s not forget the rolling stone that began gathering all this moss – the Episcopal Church, who brilliantly deciphered the mysteries of marketing the Gospel into “Get closer to God. Slice Carrots.” Eh… what the… is up with that, doc?

So, why all the cash influx to the American economy and TV sets everywhere?

From 1990 to 2008 alone, mainline Protestants dropped from 18.7 percent to 12.9 percent of the population, according to the American Religious Identification Survey.

People are tired of having to interpret the malestrom created thanks to “religious” versus “Christian.” And the only reason why this is a debated topic is because most people these who call themselves “religious” are not at all “Christian.”

You know the types:

• ignoring most of the Bible to create a personal doxology (cough… homosexuality in the pulpit… cough),
• using the Bible to get paid
• and implementing the Bible as a battering ram to hurl people into the pit of hell without offering some of the love in the Good Book.

I wonder if another brick on the wall, “Church Marketing Sucks” has heard about this tempest because it that sound you hear is a large vacuum among advertisers. Suuuuuuuuuck!

So, what is this really indicative of: people losing interest in church or just losing interest on lazy people who don’t want to do everything God recommends?

On the street there is an adage, “Keep it real.”

Instead of trying to be fully versed in scripture for sanctimony, perhaps Christians need to start sagging, beat boxing and tagging other walls (outside of this one, of course) because “keeping it real” seems to be just what the Father ordered.

And it’s free. What a PR guru Jesus is.

So that’s why people scream “Oh God” in a brothel

Meet Vivian W. Ellis

By day, she’s a sweet, frumpy woman in Seattle, Wash. By night, she’s gone off her rocker and goes by the name of Rainbow Love.

Recorded... by whom? I think I know.

Why? Oh, she’s running several brothels throughout the Emerald City and thanks to a recent police raid, Ellis-Love is in jail for prostitution, money laundering and being an awful witness for Jesus Christ.

And now, enjoy the prescient rub:

The woman accused of running several brothels in the area says her “work is spiritual in nature and that’s what the men are seeking,” according to the statement of probable cause.

What’s that? You reach out to dejected souls in search of a holy experience and lead them to one of your homes of ill repute for a lil’ rest and reproduction?!

Is this your ministry and you cloak those credit card transactions as “laying on of hands” training?!

Whatever your dimwitted reason, I have known many nut job pastors in my day… but none have worn a pink teddy to preach, so whatever you’re selling, those days of buying are over.

At least until someone else discovers your former place of employment, Sacred Temple, wasn’t really a church.

Sacred Temple’s Web site described the business as a Tantric type of massage parlor where the men reviewing the girls say they had been sexually satisfied during their sessions, the document said. The site has been “temporarily off line” since Thursday.

As will her PayPal accounts for Viagra, Cialis and TBN’s “Praise-a-thon”. You know, for posterity sake because it’s hard out there for a pimp… even if you are a pastor. Allegedly.