Willie Aames: Eight cents is enough

Not too long, we posted a story on the Wall about the fallen, biblical superhero Bibleman and his alter famous ego, Willie Aames.

It seems “Zapped”, “Charles in Charge”, “Eight is Enough” and even those pesky reality shows on VH1 aren’t enough to keep Aames out of the poor house. So sad. So true.

And now, Willie Aames is doing something about it… eh, kinda. He is beginning a national campaign against financial illiteracy. Um, huh?! I love this opening graph by WOW News’ Idol Chatter:

If a friend goes through relationships like toilet paper, would you go to her for relationship advice? If your child-less sibling offers you parenting tips, would you take him seriously? If someone loses their shirt in the stock market, would you let him plan your portfolio?

So, next to the “didn’t-really-think-this-through” department is Willie Aames participating in a celebrity boxing match, and if his Bibleman-choreographed moves do his opponent in, he will gladly donate some of the proceeds [as in, a buck fiddy 'cause brother probably needs a new pair of shoes... literally] to his “fight against financial illiteracy.”

I thought that was a good thing, at least last time I visited an acquaintance of mine who currently resides in the nestling bosom of Section 8 housing.

But, if you consider the latest, greatest spokesman to the cause, you would think financial illiteracy was something that just cramps your style.

How about feeding the homeless? Clothes for folk in shelters? You know, something you are terribly close to dealing with instead of something you have been-there-done-that-and-lost-the-tee-shirt-in-a-garage-sale.

Consider Jesus? He knew the people at the world’s largest fish fry weren’t interested in a Jimmy Houston DVD set. They wanted to eat a two-piece with some sweet tartar sauce!

Yet, there goes little Tommy Bradford ready to change the world. However, without a trunk full of Dave Ramsey books, Robert Kiyosaki inspirational tapes and Suze Orman loading up his TiVo, I don’t really understand why in the sam h-e-double hockey sticks Willie thinks he knows anything about financial illiteracy.

At least, other than it exists and his head is full of it. Among other things.

Godspeed, Willie. TV may be gone in your life, but not in your house. Check out Christian TV, dude. You may get some tips there, stay out of the news and live among the normal.

Come experience joy, happiness, patience, grace and a whole lot of laughter the next time you decide on your mission field. You have had several of them. Maybe you need to be fed on one instead of standing in line to lump bread on people’s plates.

Just a thought.

Cross Eyed: Happy Feet

This week in video evangelism is good for a giggle for a few reasons:

1. Anyone remember “testimony time”? You know, when mom an’dem could get the spirit, take center stage and show up like pastor does? Well, suffice to say, 90 percent of those folk wouldn’t have half the nerve this little man does… and this video is a living testament to that fact.

2. I heart “American Idol.” Specifically, the dimwits who are deftly convinced they can sing a hole in the wall, stand there convinced of fame on the horizon and end up making ears bleed, dogs run out of the room and birds outside careen into walls without explanation. Another like-minded show is “You think you can dance” and many folk out there who can remotely clap on two and four want to get down like James Brown. This kid is Exhibit A… but is it really dancing?!

3. Do pastors have a screening test, an audition process? OK, I am seeing a mini-me version of Gregory Hines here. Those feet are possessed with a spirit of their own. And the camera crew loves this little man.

Do watch the whole thing with the volume up. It’s worth it. Whew.

UPDATE: The video and commentary of what used to be here has changed (thanks to Vaughn, peace) but the sage rhetoric remains the same.

Wise macho men only seek Him

“Take a few minutes to give a big ‘God bless ya’ to your neighbors.”

These are some of the most feared words to come from a church pulpit since the Dark Ages when the Papacy would extol, “So, um, indulgences for sale. Anyone a sinner today?”

Men pretend they have to go pee, have a call they immediately have to take for concern of national security or may decide that now is a good time to check on the kids in the nursery. Anything except meet and greet people that may or may not be seen at Luby’s after service.

Maybe it’s an intrusion in private space. Perhaps it’s the swine flu. Or it could just be some fellas aren’t the biggest “people persons.” Whatever this interdenominational plague is, there has always been something to it.

And now, thanks to this story from WOW News’ (and Reuters) Faithworld, we know why:

Men who go to church regularly prefer “proper macho songs” and feel uncomfortable with hugging and sitting in circles discussing their feelings, a survey for Christian men’s magazine “Sorted” has found.

I guess this is more of the idea

This UK survey found that men want to worship Jesus as-is: A MAN!

So, uh, what? Right before praise and worship, splash on a little Old Spice to get you in the spirit?

How about before the pastor gets up, all the men count to three and let fly? Sure, that’s macho.

Or possibly – if Christian manly men are slightly more daring – walk up to some dude and ask him to build a confessional on the spot. Now, that’s what real men do, right?

Nearly 60 percent of respondents said they enjoyed singing, but were more motivated by “proclamational” hymns than sentimental-type songs.

Well, it’s not like the band has a Karaoke machine plugged in blaring “Send in the Clowns” or anything by Celine Dion. It’s WORSHIP, you tools.

Men were also uninspired by church discussion groups, with many suggesting that the pub would be a much better place for interacting.

Yeah, because “the pub” is a particularly sweet joint to crush a few Sprites and ensure the smoke in there is actually from the incense you just lit because you invited your priest. Right, macho guy?

Take this virile fellowshipper, who is probably heavily mustachioed and rocking the chest tuft with gold chains:

“Jesus recruited a bunch of 12 ordinary blokes before he began his ministry proper. They spent three years together doing stuff,” said Sorted’s publisher and managing editor Steve Legg. “He sat down and ate with them and built relationships,” Legg said, explaining how the church should go about reaching the male congregation.

...Or perhaps this guy?

I guess we should just avoid at all costs those frilly parables about Mary Magdalene, Martha (first to praise a resurrected Jesus), Anna the Prophetess, Priscilla and then there’s that annoying little girl… um, oh yeah, Jesus’ MAMA!

Sigh. I guess I’ll turn in my man card because I see way too many opportunities in the Bible to evangelize that have to deal with those pesky women. Tenets such as faith, virtue, steadfastness, determination and sacrifice.

But who cares as long as I can get my Sunday morning man crush on about Samson, Paul, Solomon (a real ladies man) and Peter (the cutting-ears-off Peter, not the get-thee-behind-me one… big wussy). Good times.

Pope gives “Angels & Demons” two thumbs up?

Something weird happened on the way to the Vatican the other day… the Pope has decided to become a PR professional and a film critic.

If anyone remembers, Il Papa despised Ron Howard’s first foray into the Dan Brown fictional chronicles of Catholicism known as “The Da Vinci Code”. I mean, especially since it almost cost the Vatican billions thanks to a ridiculous law suit over branding rights.

But evidently, after a Rome premiere, B16 has mad love for Tom Hanks, his acting ability and considers the movie… wait for it… archangels singing from on high… “harmless.” Huh?!

I know! The Pope was illuminated by the Illuminati. Who’da thunk it?

L’Osservatore Romano ran a review and an editorial in Wednesday’s edition, critiquing the movie based on the Dan Brown best-selling novel of the same name. The newspaper wrote that the movie was “a gigantic and smart commercial operation” filled with “stereotyped characters.” The paper suggested moviegoers could make a game out of finding the many historical inaccuracies in the plot.

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So that’s a complement, right? Underhanded and convoluted. But a complement, nonetheless.

One question though, Holy Father: What happened to the paternal vitriol extolled about the first movie? You did hate it, so what gives?

“The theme is always the same in both novels: a sect versus the church, even though the parts of the good and the bad are distributed differently,” L’Osservatore wrote Wednesday. “This time, with ‘Angels & Demons,’ the church is on the side of the good guys.”

Who knows. Maybe Ron Howard’s PR campaign worked? Talk about a total turnaround. At first, Rome was caught up in a tornadic storm of anger, whizz and vinegar. And now, they are strolling down the Yellow Brick Road of ration and reason?

Man, what a difference a summer blockbuster makes. Angels and demons and Catholics… oh my!

GOBAMA: Obama’s Dead Mama Mormon Drama

Thanks to a masonry shout out to Another Brick in the Wall, Polycarp [AKA MultiTilapia, PluristicFish, MultiplePersonalityDisorderStryper, et al] by way of Politico and AmericaBlog (the supreme scooper of this… er, uh, story), we have a fascinating story of hyperbole, science fiction, religion, the occult and half-baked folk who seriously need to seek professional help.

Oh yeah, and the BarackStar’s mama. Thought that would get your attention…

So, the Mormons have this quirky practice where they believe they can baptize a living person on behalf of a corpse.

This way, any breathing person who in fact doesn’t possess the soul of the dead one can be the baptisee by proxy.

Yeah, perfectly normal.

However, as bananas as this practice is (which uh, completely slaps this Apostle Paul guy in the mullet, so says 1 Corinthians 15:29), the Latter-day Saints are “investigating a ‘serious breach of religious code’” for the baptism (vicarious, temple baptism) of Stanley Ann Durham, the deceased mother of President Barack Obama.

Should be another normal post on the Wall, eh?

Thanks to this screen grab from the registration-only, Mormon-only Web site, FamilySearch.org, we see the LDS church snagged the soul of the President’s mother – fresh with her new posthumous baptism date?! No, you haven’t seen this on MSNBC? Don’t fret… you probably won’t.

But, as we see on the dates given, the Mormons (who honestly can – and will – do this to anyone) baptized President Obama’s mother amidst the election.

Why is this news to me? Two words: Proposition 8

The LDS Church took on hell to combat gay marriage in California. The money, the advocacy, the mission against – in their words – a liberal agenda. Well, who heads up said “liberal agenda”?!

That would be the son of whose mother you just tried to snatch from death’s grasp to baptize – only to use another person in her stead.

There is a reason they do it in secret. Look at that thing?!

What the…

I didn’t see the Pope asking for former priests to be taken out of purgatory thanks to the long arm of the Mormon law. I don’t believe Billy Graham called up the temple lords looking for Baptist legends to be resurrected.

You see, both know the rapture of the saints will take care of that ballyhoo. But while the Mormons have their eyes set on extraterrestrial lands of beneficence, children of God KNOW their Daddy and how he would act.

My father ain’t a monkey and he dang sure ain’t E.T. This is not a political story, this is a theological story. It just so happens that leader of the free world is thrust in the middle of this boondoggle. My only question is if someone tried dragging my mother through some muck and mire, I would expense everything I had to open a can of whoop @$$.

He is the president… and what’s he doing about this?! Only time will tell. Well, unless the Mormons get involved.