God Sighting of the Month: Jesus makes a cameo for the auto industry

Car lots are closing. Sales are in the toilet. And the dolts who run the car companies are standing outside Capitol Hill with dark sunglasses and a coffee mug hoping for dimes or quarters to take back to Detroit.

So, it makes complete sense what Jesus did in Tampa Bay recently to inspire the dunderheads at one car lot.

“Sometimes it gets so crazy that faith is all you’ve got left,” said Chip Davis, who runs a paintless dent removal service that services Jarrett. Davis immediately noticed the anomaly and identified it as the central figure of Christianity.

It's bigfoot. It's an oil slick. It's time to get a new door.

Yeah, the smudge on the door dude swears is the Shroud of Turin is why this made the news, and kept the God Sighting streak alive and well. Mazel Tov.

However, unlike most sacrosanct sightings where the line is a mile long and just a wide, people are playing musical opinions with this deified door.

“It looks a little bit like Sasquatch,” piped up Ruth Johnson from the receptionist desk. James Bauman Jr., who was getting an oil change, described it as “Christ in a Jedi outfit,” then as a “Persian king.” He then said there was probably significance in the stain, just as there is in Barack Obama being president and Israel’s conflict with Hamas.

Sasquatch? Jesus Skywalker? Really?

Oh, dear Lord. If I could make this stuff up, I would be a copywriter for SNL or something. But alas, I sit here in complete anonymity just enjoying this stuff from afar. Joy to the world, indeed.

Pentecostal bus driver: “I’m too homely for my pants, too homely it hurts”

Meet Gloria Jones, a devout Pentecostal (like UPC Crystal Gayle hair) and an apparent habitue of Gloria Steinem.

You know the type? Burning the bra. Men suck. Refusing to wear deodorant… er, lipstick. Well, it’s all obvious because this UPC She-Ra won won a religious discrimination suit against her employer, the Washington (D.C.) Metropolitan Area Transit Authority. Why? She wanted to rock the denim, floor-length skirt and whistle while she worked.

A Pentecostal woman who refused to wear pants as part of her bus driver uniform has prompted the region’s transit system to implement new policies to accommodate employees’ religious practices. Jones met the qualifications for the position; however, she declined to wear the pants required for the uniform because of her Apostolic Pentecostal faith. She made a verbal request to be allowed to wear a skirt, and Metro terminated her application.

Now, the UPC takes legalism to a whole new level. But we’ll get to that in a minute. For her troubles, and this is a bad economy so come on, she got paid:

On Tuesday, the U.S. Department of Justice announced a settlement between Jones and the transit agency, which agreed to pay her more than $47,000, according to the Associated Press. The agency also agreed to pay $2,500 to two others who said Metro didn’t accommodate their beliefs.

47 LARGE?! For what? Because homegirl didn’t get the gig? Maybe this could have been a blessing in disguise. Perhaps modeling was around the corner? Who knows. Whatever the reason, they just didn’t understand you. So, let’s try, shall we?

They have a oneness theology, and if you were baptized in “the name of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost,” we’ll see you in hell. No really. Among the other legalistic extremes are:

• If men are mustachioed, they’ll take a hacksaw to his lip
• If women cut their hair… even the dreaded split ends, ladies… it’s curtains in the Church
• Neither gender can wear sleeves above the elbows. So, UPC churches aren’t a big player near the equator.
• TV is not allowed (Note the picture). Not because they are Amish, but rather the tube is a pipeline from hell into the home. Nice.

These are the hallowed “Holiness Standards”. Huzzah!

Ladies, claim all the scriptures and twist them until you make pretzels, but here’s a prophecy: If the barn needs painting, paint the sucker! But hey, you got $47,000. I’m thinking since you aren’t buying make up, designer clothes or you know, a car… maybe you can use all that money, and buy yourself a Bible not all marked up by your “saints”.

You just might learn something about being baptized in the Holy Spirit while still experiencing “liberty in the Spirit.” At least, I have.

New York media up to its Papal shenanigans

Freudian slips. Ain’t they hilarious?

You know, when you try to say one thing, but that hidden nugget of wisdom you are clinching in your booty cheeks so hard you are making a diamond just forces itself out of your mouth?!

Oh… those Freudian slips.

Yeah, well they happen all the time – and typically, never at the right time.

Well, evidently the editors of amNewYork posted this picture, and wouldn’t you know it? Some optical illusion took place and instantly Pope B16 here is the avenging angel of Satan.

Look at the priest’s collar… then aim down at Il Papa’s head… see the horns? OH! There it is. Just sitting there like the proverbial snake ready to sting your tail into an emergency ward.

Ouch.

I am going to take a mild stab at this: would the last name of the editor end with a “berg”, “witz” or “stein”? I’m just saying, while I am laughing out loud.

Is this what the rapture will look like?

Look! Up in the sky. It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s… it’s… ah, who knows?!

And that’s largely the problem in Austin, Texas, as seen in this CNN story. On a quiet day, folk going out for a jog and this fireball appears and comes crashing to earth. No, it wasn’t Superman, so what was it?!

Sonic booms and at least one fireball in the sky were reported in Texas on Sunday, less than a week after two satellites collided in space and a day after the Federal Aviation Administration asked U.S. pilots to watch for “falling space debris,” authorities said.

Check the video:

To this day, no debris has been found and no explanations have been made.

I’m not saying E.T. got tired of phoning home and came back looking for El-e-ot. But it did get me thinking about another incident that will be reported someday when the clouds part and the trump sounds.

How will the news react to the rapture? What coverage will take place? And who are the poor reporters who will be left to cover it?

Jesus is coming back. The rapture is real. And the questions will abound when reality slaps them in the face and the sound of Wynton Marsalis blows out their eardrums. Church, we still have work to do.

Meet an ex-excommunicated Bishop who denied the Holocaust

As a Zionist, a child of God and – oh, I don’t know – someone with a pulse, I have been fuming on this one for a while. Buckle up, Wall Watchers. Here’s the lede, thanks to HuffPo.

Pope Benedict XVI has lifted the excommunications of four traditionalist bishops, including that of a Holocaust denier whose rehabilitation sparked outrage among Jewish groups.

Um, I’m sorry?! These four tools… er, bishops are well known in Catholic and seminarian circles as the “Lefebvrite Bishopric.”

Basically, this title is Archbishop Marcel Lefebvre – a legalist, an orthodox, a traditionalist and founder of the Society of St. Pius X (SSPX). All of that essentially means dude wasn’t a fan of Vatican II, and if you remember all the stories of the “Passion of the Christ,” that makes he and Mel Gibson’s dad BFFs.

Back to the story: So Lefebvre had some clout back in the 60s and sent these four bishops packing, largely because of the mouth on this big mouth bass. All, meet Bishop Richard Williamson.

This is a tool who believes historical evidence is hugely against 6 million Jews having been deliberately gassed. Yeah, I would find something a bit more intimidating than those Birkenstocks folk wear around the Vatican and stick my size 12s directly in his blessed assurance. Anyone feel me?

A picture is worth 1000 words. So why am I still speechless?

In review, let me get this right:

• We have a German kid who hung out in the Hitler youth rally for kicks
• He grew up loving Jesus and all, and ultimately joined a monastery
• He’s now Pope and knows there is this whole schism that exists between the Papacy and these highfalutent Bishops back in half-baked 60s
• And then, he lifts the excommunication of a complete waste of clerics who denied the holocaust
• Which is something Germans back in the 40s were rumored to not have been big fans

Don’t you love it when life deduces logic for you? So, where’s the spin control from the Vatican to make it look like this was just a president issuing harmless pardons:

The Vatican spokesman, the Rev. Federico Lombardi, said Williamson’s views were “absolutely indefensible.” But he denied that rehabilitating Williamson implied that the Vatican shared them… They are his personal ideas … that we certainly don’t share but they have nothing to do with the issue of the excommunication and the removal of the excommunication,” Lombardi told AP Television News.

Sure they don’t. The holocaust was real. His erroneous statements about it were real. Priests have been shunned from the friendly Papal confines for less. I understand God forgives, but his people just don’t forget. Funny how it seems the Pope did.