Let’s start a revolution: Wii Love Jesus

At the HiScrivener household, we are a XBOX 360 family.

Maybe it’s the controller. Quite possibly it’s the grandfathered original XBOX games I had, and am just too frugal to spend $50 twice for the same CD. Whatever the reason, Santa knew what to bring my lil’ Wall Watcher – and his thumb blisters haven’t healed yet.

However, both my sister and sister-in-law purchased the Wii for their munchkins – and it’s great, with the exception of that plasma TV being ruined with the nunchaku I careened during a vicious game of bowling.

But now, the game has become a tool. Call it an epiphany, or just the result of boredom playing baseball 182 times in a row.

I have discovered a way to witness with this technology unlike anyway you could with a PS3 or a X360. “Wii Love Jesus!”

It’s so easy to introduce my family to Jesus – just create his avatar. Who knew?! I didn’t… and there he is.

So, here’s my challenge to Wall Watchers everywhere: if you are in the store or at a friend’s house, remember Wii Love Jesus! If you are a little embarrassed to witness, Wii love Jesus. Not sure of the address for certain scriptures? Wii love Jesus. Looking for that divine opportunity to discuss your Savior with loved ones and complete strangers alike? Wii love Jesus.

Whatever the reason and whenever the season: Wii love Jesus!

I’m telling you, it worked. Both households and I discussed not the mysteries of the Gospel, or the riddles of the universe, but rather why did I create my God on a video game. Easy. Just like most of my friends and family, “Wii love Jesus!”

So, Wall Watchers, if you got pictures and a story, I got a blog post with your name and testimony all over it. Post a comment or send me a e-mail. Peace.

Vatican: Genocide? Bad. Eucharist Issues? Very bad. Makes sense.

What do lawyers and priests have in common? No, seriously. This isn’t a joke. What do they have in common? They both are equipped to take secrets to the grave. Lawyers get disbarred. Priests get excommunicated. Both never get it back.

Well, all those secrets told in the confessional booth have inspired pontiffs for centuries to actually rate sins.

Technically, they have categorized sins – mortal, or those causing spiritual death, and venial, those that can be forgiven but may cause a soul to detour into purgatory.Not good.

This organizational system has been cloaked in utmost secrecy through the “Apostolic Penitentiary” since 1179.

But, since the Roman Catholic Church has been in a PR scare given cleric tendencies to get handsy, Pope Benedict has decided to be like our president and have a more “transparent” administration.

However, it seems revealing this reticent list may do more harm than good.

While priests and bishops can deal with confessions of sins as grave as murder or even genocide, the tribunal is reserved for crimes which are viewed by the Church as even more serious.

More serious than say, the holocaust? Can you imagine what is worse than that?

Defiling the Eucharist, which Catholics believe is the body and blood of Christ, is also considered a sin of extreme gravity and one which is on the increase, the high-ranking members of the tribunal said.

OK, look. We can get into a charged debate over transubstantiation later. Are you telling me a wafer, blessed by a man – any cleric will do – has more value to God than say, six million Jews?! Seriously?!

For the record, Il Papa listed other heinous acts like assassinating the Pope or a priest abusing the confidentiality of the confessional. But this is inane theology. There’s another – a man who pays for an abortion, and then has the unmitigated gall to want to become a priest. That too, is worse than genocide.

MEMO to most Catholics: That strange sensation someone gets to live for God when they haven’t previously done so is called getting your life right for Jesus. You know, redemption and deliverance. But if you belong to the Catholic Church, this isn’t allowed?!

What Bible is that in? Some holy writ from Wal-Mart that was printed on a used copy machine, and um, every word the Apostle Paul wrote has smeared, and therefore didn’t make the trip to Montessori school? You know, theologians have words for religions that make up rules for dogma that completely contradict God… weird.

Aretha’s church hat makes fashion experts “think”

Barack Obama has been on the job for less than a week, and already someone has managed to steal his thunder. Who would be the dastardly culprit? The Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin.

Well, technically it wasn’t here, the song where she unfortunately paused in the middle of “coun-try” causing the FCC to have a collective coronary.

No, it was her church hat, or for those of us who are all too familiar with the COGIC experience, “Her Crown of Glory.” A bow that was twice as large as her own melon is now the rage nationally, according to the New York Times.

The hat was an instant sensation. Even before Ms. Franklin had finished singing “My Country, Tis of Thee” on the inaugural podium, calls began pouring in to her hat designer, Luke Song, 36, of Mr. Song Millinery in Detroit, Ms. Franklin’s home town.

“A lot of my clients know my signature style, and they knew instantly that it was my hat,” Mr. Song said in a telephone interview Friday. “They called to verify it, and then they just started screaming at the top of their lungs.”

Today, Mr. Song has a backorder to make these domes of disdain up to a full month! Seriously?

How many suckers… er, women who bought this hat are going to show up at service believing they will receive a round of spurious praise, “Girl. Where did you get your crown? I gotta get me one of those.”

Well, that is until someone spins that bow, the hat goes flying and the propeller atop her cranium ends up fleeing out of the window. There have been jokes a-plenty surrounding this high mass adornment.

Even the great Stephen Colbert noted, “Even Aretha Franklin even managed to steal a bow off a brand new Lexus for the occasion.”

Yet, these warnings haven’t stopped the crown shopping. So, pastors everywhere, be on the lookout for an 8-foot tall woman in the back of your church. She’s not really that tall… it’s just that wicked nice bow, and the sound you hear are elves at the North Pole wishing they had it. Stay classy, Queen.