So like the anchor clanker, I must let off some steam, eats me spinach and hum “Anchors Away” as I feverishly type. This should be a doozie.
Back when the Wall was being constructed, trends and stories were evident but one stood out from the rest like Kate Moss at a Jenny Craig study group – Todd Bentley.
I heard about the knees in the gut and literally knocking out some chic’s teeth, but I considered that charismatic ballyhoo and let it ride.
After all, I saw a guy get laid out in the power of God and landed with such veracity (no thanks to an apt “catcher” with alligator arms) that his toupee flew off at least 15 feet. True story.
But once you hear the same issues over and over and over again, you begin to think maybe it really is your breath that stinks and not everyone just making ugly faces at you. So I delved into the WWWorld (armed with my WWWord) to search for a respite and a resolution.
Initially, a BIG HEARTY shout out to the ‘other bricks in the Wall’ in here: Pulpit Pimps, I’m Speaking Truth and Slaughter of the Sheep. OTHER huzzahs to noted visitations of mine: Independent Conservative and Real Christianity. Those delicious blogs, and the vast array of information I found in the mainstream, helped with this much belabored post. (In other words, pack a lunch. You’ll be here awhile).
[BTW, what's a brutha' to do for a link on your blogrolls?! We're like-minded, share the same interests and could even have Tupperware parties... and some such. IJS.]
So, if I have been putting this off for a slow news day, then why the impetus now? Click and grab the barf bag:
Ah, after you grab the spearmint gum, wasn’t that portentous? A study Bible based on meetings that most theologians consider to be the largest sciamachy in Christendom since Jonestown?! And Todd Bentley doesn’t think we think that he thinks this will buy him a few more tattoos – wherever on his portly carcass he can find uninked flesh. Um, not so much.
What’s the beef? (Tee hee. I made a funny). Here’s a guy proclaiming the works of the Lord, laying hands on folk and doing it in the name of Jesus, right? WRONG! What’s the adage? “If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck…” Listen, after weeks of broadcasting live on GOD TV and his own tooled Web site, directing countless of people to Jesus (and evidently to the nearest ATM) and seeing them healed, isn’t it a little odd that dude would suddenly pack up his tent and leave the campfires of revival?!
Not if that duck was actually a CHICKEN! Note the lovely ABC News expose that allowed all of us to look behind the curtain to see just how withered the Wizard of Lakeland is:
It was so nice that ABC Nightline had to do it twice. (BTW, I know one of the producers on this piece. The joy that was had creating this voyeuristic butchery was utterly contagious).
Proof?! He said he has proof. Written proof, yet for some reason, he is opposed to due diligence as if it was a disease and he needs a healing for no immune system. He blacks out names, numbers and networks. Yeah, that’s too legit to quit, eh? Dude, let a pro give you a quickie on PR 101. Kinda like the book you should publish, “Revival for Dummies”. (And yes Melvin, that photoshopped picture is genius!)
If you have to hide your results, they may look contrived. If you feel the need to pimp yourself to the media only to act like the biggest tease at an all-girls’ school, you may look like a ho after all. If you need to vociferously promote your healings and beg the media to cover you, then turn around and run from the press when they can collectively smell the drivel you are shoveling, you may not be working in the same anointing of Christ who incidentally didn’t require a PR firm yet is still substantiated these millenia later. Hmmm…
In other words, the jig is up. This shameless story belongs on a special illuminated spot on the Wall. You were called out and like the bully that sticks a hamhock in the gut of unsuspecting folk, and run with tail tucked between your legs counting your cash all the way.
Evidently, there wasn’t enough duckets in your collections, because now you have this uh, “Bible” to sell. Great. Dude goes out and crushes about 15 Happy Meals between services, shows off a little more ink, crack some old lady in her mullet and instantly we have America’s next great fiction novel.
Whatever happens, rest assured, he will follow one example of Christ as he has given up the ghost! Think he will come back? Not unless he is escorted back to Lakeland with a subpoena. That guy has waddled to his last pulpit and drop kicked his last saint. If you have read any of the aforementioned sages, many scriptures discussing a false prophet and wicked fruit has raced across your vision like dead presidents has with Todd Bentley’s. However, here is another you may not have seen:
“Vengeance is mine, and recompense; their foot shall slip in due time; for the day of their calamity is at hand” (Deuteronomy 32:35)
Kinda’ takes the wind out of those large sails you call ‘jackets’, huh?
Remember the adage mentioned earlier? “Quack, quack bro.” You better find a nice pond where you can fly south because if you are the anathematic malefactor these videos and those countless testimonies portray you to be, then get used to that unfavorable and merciless heat. You are going to be feeling a lot of it where you are going.